DEATH STALKS HOLLYWOOD HASBEENS- True Status of Entertainment Q Unveiled- "Forget What Your Agent Tells You, Here's The Real Deal"

Is the Angel of Death stalking Hollywood and the entertainment industry?
That is the question on the minds of many in the profession with the recent series of celebrity deaths. Has-beens, hacks and wannabes live in fear that they might be the next victim of the Grim Reaper as sudden and unexpected deaths continue to mow down the denizens of the footlights.
The streets of Hollywood and Sunset Strip are nearly deserted of any locals as they cower in their apartments and on friends couches waiting for the deathstorm to subside. Even former A-list actors who have migrated to television and commercials are looking over their shoulders, wondering if they will be the next to go. Alec Baldwin has announced plans to move to a secret bunker out of the country for his protection.
Cable network execs are finding it difficult to plan hokey, innovative and cutting-edge new shows as the list of available former stars dwindles by the day. Reality programming producers who wish to exploit former celebrities are left bereft as duck and cover is the watchword among the ranks of entertainers and one-hit-wonders.
Restaurant business is down because waiters/actors are afraid to leave the safety of their homes.
Prostitutes that were interviewed said most of their business is coming from conventioneers, Midwest grain farmers and high school kids out on the town. They complain that they used to be tipped better than this clientele is willing to pay for the works.
Victims of the current fashion of sudden demise include Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays, Fred Travalena, Gale Storm, Ed McMahon, David Carradine, Danny Gans. Dr. Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson's personal physician who was present when the pop star went room temperature, has not yet been connected with the all of the deaths.

POP JACKSON PINCHES PREZ FOR PAYOLA- DOC HASN'T KILLED ANY JACKSONS TODAY

President Barack Obama has assured Joe Jackson, the father and mentor of the late Michael Jackson, that the White House will push Congress to immediately pass a stimulus bill for the Jackson family.

With the tragic loss of the main breadwinner of the family, the Jackson family faces foreclosure, which would render them homeless.

The President told Jackson that the talented family, which is nearly a national treasure, deserves everything the country can give. A special committee will be formed among the Congressional Black Caucus and will begin work on the Save The Jacksons Resolution today. First on the agenda will be to gather a list of deserving Jacksons. Among those on the list are Tito, Janet, Germain, Joe, LaToya, Jesse, Kate and Action Jackson.

Pundits predict Kate Jackson will not make the cut.

Dr. Conrad Murray, Michael's personal physician who was with him at the time of his death, is expected to be retained by the family to give "physicals" to those on the list who may not be deemed eligible for the stimulus package.

STORM SUBSIDES- MURRAY NOT SUSPECT IN DEATH

Fifties television star, movie actress and singer Gale Storm died today at her home. She was 87.

A B-actress in the late forties and fifties at Republic Studios, she gained popular fame in the series My Little Margie.

Police do not suspect Dr. Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson's personal physician, of killing her.

PITCHMAN PACKS IT IN- JACKO M.D. NOT SUSPECT

Billy Mays, the television pitchman famous for his boisterous hawking of household products on t.v. was found dead today of unknown causes. Authorities are not releasing details of the death scene pending the conclusion of the investigation.

Following the investigation, the scene will be cleaned with Ka-Boom and OxyClean, the two miracle cleaners he sold onscreen. Any difficult stains will just disappear, leaving the rug and furniture in brand-new condition.

Dr. Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson's personal physician, is not considered a suspect, although for a period of time following the death of Jackson the Morris was absent and his whereabouts unaccounted for.

POP IDOLS DROP DEAD, DOC DENIES SPREE

The sudden death of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett has left the Seventies and Eighties Iconography in serious disarray. Fans of the two most famous celebrities of the decades are bereft of idols.

Already millions of fans are casting about blindly for some sort of replacement to tame their glam-jones and give some faux-meaning to their empty,wayward lives and hundreds of lesser-known second-bananas, wannabees and has-beens are lining up to be the next King of Pop and Queen of the Posters.

Dr. Conrad Murray, who was with Jackson as his personal physician when he died, has denied that he also killed Fawcett and the late Ed McMahon with his exotic mixtures of drugs.

SANFORD QUITS GOP- CALLS HIGH STANDARDS TOO MUCH FOR HORNDOG LIKE HIMSELF

Governor Sanford of South Carolina admitted that his trip to Argentina was to spend time with his long-time mistress and he will now, thanks to the ultra-high standards of the GOP, have to resign from the party.

"He's practically a Democrat," said one supporter. "We'd expect this sort of behaviour from a Clinton, or a Jackson, but one of our own? Unthinkable."

Sanford may still serve out the remaining year of his office, but will no longer be welcome at the country club, party meetings and the Elks Club.

WHERE'S SANFORD? S.C. GOV SEEKS EXOTICA

Governor Mark Sanford has returned from his "vacation" hiking in the Appalachians. Family and staff members could not tell the press where the Governor went, nor what he did, nor how to get hold of him in an emergency.

Clueless staffers and indifferent family members gave a multitude of explanations and excuses for the Governor's absence and threw out buckets of red herrings for reporters to dine upon.

The Governor returned to the public spotlight today explaining he decided to go to Argentina rather than hike in the mountains to "find something exotic". His first stop- a health clinic to check out the "exotic" rash he may have picked up overseas.

Prez Kicks Tobacco - and So Will You

President Obama wants to quit smoking, and every American will do their part to help him. By Executive order, and through legislation, Obama will begin the process of ridding the entire country of the noxious weed.

He will put an end to flavored cigarettes, and cute advertising aimed at young people, and while he's at it, he will quit smoking for the one thousand, two hundred and sixty-sixth time.

He won't say it'll be easy, but the State Department has passed on an advisory to any and all tin-pot dictators and anti-American political leaders that the most powerful man in the world, the man with his finger on the button, will possibly be a little fragile for the next several months.

As a precaution, the Air Force officer who is in charge of the "nuclear football" has been ordered to maintain a discreet distance from the President.

DEAF CW FANS FINALLY SEE LYRICS/ QUESTION MEANING OF "GIT 'ER DONE"

The Grand Ole Opry, the Mecca of country music in Nashville, Tennessee, will begin offering giant caption boards during their evening shows to accommodate the hearing impaired. This was after it was determined that just playing louder wasn't enough.

The General Manager of the Opry has already apologized for not installing the hardware sooner. She said she just heard about it.

Several technical problems had to be overcome before the first captioned show went on. First and foremost: displaying the words in English or some sort of HeeHaw dialect. It was a major decision. Country music fans have become used to the accents and dialects of the South and Appalachia. Translating the dialects into English could lead to misunderstandings of lyrics and jokes. But is was decided that if the hard-of-hearing hadn't heard any of this before, then it wouldn't matter now. So the decision was to go to the vernacular and let their hearing friends explain the jokes.

BRITS QUIT ALPHABITS- TXT RTNG FSTR, SMPLR

The English will no longer speak the King's English. The British government has passed down new guidelines to teachers. First out- "i" before "e" except after "c". The old rule had too many exceptions.

The Spelling Society approves of the move, saying the rule simplifies spelling. Next on their list: change the spelling of colour and bullocks (color and bulls) for having excess letters.

The move makes sense in the era of text messaging. Soon, the Oxford Dictionary will only list "4" for the word "for" and "h8" for the word "hate". Of course, "stupid" will remain "stupid".

ABC TO AIR OBAMA LIFE AS IT HAPPENS

ABC television has announced a new weekly program "This Amazing President" featuring stories featuring fascinating in-depth stories about President Obama. Network executives are ecstatic over projections of viewership of the proposed program.

"We think America is ready to follow the daily life of this most wonderful and fascinating President," ABC Entertainment Division said in a press release," Just watching him catch a fly during the interview convinced our Programming Executives that Obama in his totality is just too fascinating and engaging to withhold from America and the world."

The weekly show will feature the president performing all of his daily functions, from brushing his teeth (mesmerizing, and yes, he does it himself) to taking on world heads of state in diplomatic crises(the power and charisma of the man will send a thrill up your leg).

Preliminary plans are to show the program Friday nights, with repeats in the ten o'clock hour and rebroadcasts every evening during local programming hours.

CAL. GOV. K's IN D.C.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger slouched back into Sacramento empty-handed after prostrating himself before President Obama for federal funds to bail out the nearly bankrupt state. He should should have known that Obama wouldn't bother to bail out a state that can always be counted on to vote Democratic. That money is meant to stimulate undecided voters.

Schwarzenegger had to face a deeply divided state house, where Legislators are dug in on the issue of cuts versus tax increases. There is little hope of compromise between the two sides. The "aye" light on the voting board was burnt out for a week before anyone noticed.

State unemployment is nearing 15%, nearly double the nation's average, putting a heavy strain on unemployment, welfare and MediCal funding. It's so bad plastic surgeons are starting to put limits on breast implants: only starlets verified connection to the studios will be able to get the procedure.

NEW CAR CO. PROMISES FORTUNE TURNAROUND

Al Gore has become a partner in a new car company in Louisiana that plans to produce a high-mileage gas-powered car. The first model planned from the plant will be named in honor of their high profile investor- the Flaming Hypocrite.

The investment from KPCB, which employs Gore, will be short term. Next year, KPCB plans to lose billions and apply for bailout money, then sell the company to European car companies.

Health Care and The Networks- First, Take a Breath Mint...

President Obama's full court press on his health care initiative got a big boost from the ABC network which offered him an hour of uninterrupted prime time to sell his plan to the country. Along with the infomercical Good Morning America will also interview Michelle Obama. Apparently CBS will not have Dave Letterman try any jokes about the Obama children.

The complex issue is meeting resistance from doctors, hospitals and insurers, along with some health care advocates. The dividing issue seems to be choice. But President Obama countered that "choice" is overrated and he really, really will make it better for Americans if they just let him.

Republicans were rebuffed by the network when they asked for a small segment to present an opposing view. The network said they consulted their lawyers and there is no opposing view. Everyone they talked to said Obama will take care of it and that's that.

How's that Change workin' out for ya?

RIPPED OFF THE WIRES: POLL DECLARES BARACK THE BOMB-A

A recent poll declared President Barack Obama the most stylish man in the world, beating out Brad Pitt, George Clooney and even Andy Warhol.

The poll questioned 1000 people at random at a recent Obama 2012 committee meeting and found that the President is also considered taller, smarter and has a whiter smile and fresher breath than anyone else on earth.

His fashion sense outclassed all other world leaders, said the pollsters. Ahmadinejad's stubble and proletariat threads and Kim Il-Jong's outdated Nehru jacket ensembles failed to put them in the top fifty.

The upcoming issue of People Magazine will feature The Fifty Most Incredible Celebrities. Obama will place one through thirty-eight.

The editors of Time Magazine have announced that pictures of the President will grace every cover for the next ten years and he has already been chosen for their Man of the Year in 2009, 2010 and 2011 year-end issues.

RIPPED OFF THE WIRES: IRAN ELECTION- FIXING THE FIX

Iran's Guardian Council will recount the votes in the disputed landslide election of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The clerics will focus on those sites where accusations of irregularities were most disputed. South Florida is not on the list.

The Council will gather together poll workers to go over the ballots, looking for handing chads and trying to decipher voter intent. The intent part is a no-brainer- get Ahmadinejad out of office.

It's not like the ballot was complicated. They had two names- Ahmadinejad in big bold letters and Mousavi in tiny print with a skull and crossbones next to it.

Ahmadinejad has said he is confident that he will triumph in the recount and is open to a redo on the election if it comes to that. All he asks is that he would be given an opportunity to sway opposition voters to his side. He figures holding a few thousand hostages should be enough.

RIPPED OFF THE WIRES: EARTH'S DAYS NUMBERED

Screaming Yellow News: Ripped Off The Wires

EARTH DOOMED
Interstellar Bank Shot To Send Earth Into Corner Pocket

French astroscientists have released the results of a computer study that shows that there is one chance in thousands that an improbable series of celestial events could occur sending Mercury banging through the Solar System causing Venus or Mars to crash into the Earth sometime in the next 3.5 billion years.

Al Gore says the computer simulation proves his point that man is the culprit in the end of life on the earth. Without bizarre computer simulations showing improbable results through obtuse data there would be no planet-threatening scenarios that are so important to tabloid science journals.

The Nobel Prize-winning environmentalist, author, filmmaker and former politician has already called upon his supporters to donate funds to his foundation to combat the problem and force Mercury back into its orbit.

Screaming Yellow News: Ripped Off The Wires

Screaming Yellow News: Ripped Off The Wires
LA CITY ROOTS FOR MAGIC OVER LAKERS
:"Can't Afford A Win" Says Council

The Los Angeles City Council cheered the Orlando Magic to beat hometown fave Lakers in the NBA Championship to avoid the cost of a victory parade.

"Let Orlando cough up the funds for a parade," a councilwoman told reporters. "We here in Los Angeles have our priorities right. Our budget is a shambles and the thought of having to sponsor a victory celebration and then clean up the wreckage afterward is beyond nonsensical."

Spokesman for the Lakers management offered to throw the last three games to Orlando to help out their home town, in exchange for an unlimited get-out-of-jail-free card for each Laker player. The City is said to be considering the offer.

Screaming Yellow News Update: Ripped Off The Wires

Screaming Yellow News: Ripped Off the Wires
IRANIAN ELECTION WOES

Iranian citizens took to the streets throwing stones, burning cars and clashing with police following this week's landslide re-election of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as president. Ahmadinejad dismissed the protests, likening the rioting as similar to the aftermath of a soccer match. Or a Lakers game. Or a Super Bowl loss. Or win. Or Prop. 8 protest.

Opposition supporters of Mir Hossein Mousavi insist that he is the rightful winner of the election and that Ahmadinejad rigged the election. They insist everyone they know voted for Mousavi and Ahmadinejad couldn't have possibly won the election. The President is giving careful consideration to the accusation and has asked police to question the protesters and find out the names of everyone they know. Just to check up. No, really.

Mindful of world opinion, Ahmadinejad has considered letting former president Jimmy Carter audit the election results. Rioting intensified until the President withdrew the idea.

Vice President Joe Biden questioned the results of the election. He said it is highly suspect to have such an overwhelming victory at the polls despite seemingly strong opposition numbers by a candidate who, although a popular speaker, has clearly shown he is inadequate to the job and leads by cult of personality. He reminded reporters he was speaking about Ahmadinejad.

Ripped From The Headlines: Ahmadinejad Stumps, Letterman Dumps, Bush Jumps,

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has won a landslide victory over former Prime Minister Mir Hossein Mousavi in the Presidential elections in Iran. He beat the reformist Mousavi through his immense charisma, his scintillating oratory and the secret police.

Pre-election polling suggested that Mousavi would likely beat Ahmadinejad, but the ballots told a different story. Al Gore called Mousavi and coached him on his next moves. First, he said, file a lawsuit to recount the ballots, then challenge the ruling, then drop out of politics, make up a ridiculous junk science theory, sell it to the ruling class and become wealthy.

Ahmadinejad can now claim a mandate from the people to continue his agenda to restore Iran's respect from the international community. Next on the list: ask the Mullahs to declare fatwa on late-night television comedians.

David Letterman has issued a non-apology for a joke he told about Sarah Palin and her fourteen-year-old daughter having sex with Alex Rodriguez. The conservative community is outraged that Letterman would make such a tasteless reference on television and condemnation is coming from congressmen, talk show hosts, clergymen and women's rights advocates. Letterman deserves every bit of it. I mean, come on! Like A-Rod would leave the field in the middle of a game..

CBS executives have gone into overtime dealing with the bad publicity. But the signs are positive. Next time they are in the ratings cellar, the plan is they will have Letterman make another questionable joke.

President Obama pushed Congress to fast-track his proposal to create a national health care program. Legislators got to work immediately to figure out how to balance the nearly $1 trillion-dollar combination of tax hikes and benefit trims to make the proposal work. Obama did his part to help them by issuing a Executive Order putting in a 24-hour Starbucks kiosk on the House floor.

Pharmaceutical Representatives, medical provider lobbyists and insurance companies descended upon the House to argue for some advantage to their industries. The AMA has issued guidelines for dealing with elected officials: they recommend take two Congressmen and call me in the morning.

President Obama will sign a landmark bill handing the FDA authority over the manufacture and sale of cigarettes. The bill promises to add fees, increase compliance paperwork and strictly regulate tobacco companies in order to protect Americans from the deadly effects of smoking but stops short of banning sales of the product. In reality, it is part of the stimulus plan. How many jobs will open up for inspectors, paper shufflers, accountants and legal analysts to figure out how to get around the rules.

One of the measures in the bill will require larger warnings on cigarette packs. Phillip Morris beat the FDA to the punch. Next year, they will begin marketing These Things Will Kill You 100's.

One section in the bill will require a health warning be shown before any Warner Brothers movie made in the nineteen-forties and fifties.

Former President George H.W. Bush celebrated his 85th birthday by skydiving. Originally, he and former President Bill Clinton were scheduled for a tandem jump, but Clinton didn't make it. He was in the back of the plane joining the Mile High Club.

OBAMA DEALS, TALIBAN REELS, REID APPEALS

June 11, 2009

President Obama returns to the Capitol from his MidEast/European jaunt to plunge back into the fight for nationalized medicine, the housing crisis, the economy woes and increasing tensions in North Korea, Afghanistan and Pakistan, among other issues. Meeting with House Representatives who pressed the President for support for alternative energy legislation, the Obama responded, "No, thanks. My plate is full."



Disappointed House leaders were forced to wait until the President finished his lunch.

In an effort to reign in overly generous executive pay, Treasury Secretary Tiimothy Geithner and Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke have unveiled plans to regulate compensation on Wall Street. The move is the fulfillment of campaign promises by President Obama to close the gap between the rich and the rest of the citizens of the United States. Wall Streeters let the President know that they plan to redistribute their wealth themselves by eliminating campaign donations and removing gifts and perks so generously offered in the last election campaign season.

The White House is reconsidering the move and said no concrete decisions have been made as yet.

Chinese officials have denied holding New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin as collateral against massive loans made to the United States. The Chinese Ambassador to the United States assured White House officials that they have no more interest in keeping Nagin in China than residents in New Orleans have in keeping him in New Orleans.

Mayor Nagin was in China to study levees on the Yangtze River Valley. He met with Chinese engineers and politicians, discussing construction methods and diversion channels. The Chinese were especially interested in Nagin's expertise in diverting funds from levee building to casino building.

North Korea ramped up its bellicose posturing through a front-page story in the Minju Joson newspaper, threatening to use their nuclear weapons in an offensive manner should foreign armies try to invade the country. To show the world their sincerity, Pyongyang prepared to stage yet another missile launch. The test was delayed when North Korean military officials realized all they had left were two Roman candles and a Piccolo Pete.

Special Envoy Stephen Bosworth spoke at the Korea Society in New York, telling the audience that the United States has no plans to invade North Korea, but instead encourages them to rejoin the six-party talks to facilitate North Korea's re-entry into the world community. He said regime-change is a thing of the past. The U.S. would rather extend an open hand of friendship to the government of Kim Il-Jong. North Korean representatives agreed in principle, but cautioned that such things can only be taken in small, careful steps. For now, North Korea will extend only one finger at a time.

Taliban forces in Pakistan have launched a terrorist offensive following the massive Pakistani army battle in the Swat Valley last week and the popular uprising by three villages that forced Talibani into the hills. The level of violence is sure to rise in the coming weeks and many Pakistanis are bracing themselves for the degradation and privation of having to share travel accommodations with all the journalists.

Convicted "shoe bomber" Richard Reid has had to be force-fed by prison officers after having gone on a hunger strike. He began the strike to protest prison officials refusing to let him practice some tenets of his Sunni Muslim faith. The warden of Supermax prison near Denver, CO has continued to deny Reid a suicide bomb vest.

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES: Korea-Fu, Obama's Adieu, Mortgage Execs in DooDoo

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES Column June 9
KOREA-FU, OBAMA’S ADIEU, MORTGAGE EXECS IN DOODOO

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is promising a "very hard look" at returning North Korea to the list of countries that support terrorism. In addition to giving the country the stink eye, she also plans a "meaningful glance", a "wrinkled brow", and possibly a "frustrated sigh" if necessary.

The carrot-and-stick approach to North Korea has not yielded positive diplomatic results in restraining the country's recent saber-rattling. Once the United Nations removes the carrot, Beloved Leader Kim Il-Jong has given permission for his people to eat the stick.

Al Gore has offered to travel to North Korea to lend his support to two CurrentTV correspondents on trial for spying. Seriously, how much punishment does North Korea deserve?

During his speech in Normandy commemorating the 65th anniversary of the D-Day landings embattled British Prime Minister Gordon Brown referred to Omaha Beach as "Obama Beach". Vice President Joe Biden called Brown afterward and warned him that there wasn't enough room in Obama's administration for two second-bananas who garble speeches.

The President and Mrs. Obama were able to spend a little time in the City of Lights before heading back home. They visited Notre Dame, the Pompidou Center, and then had dinner near the Eiffel Tower. The French were thrilled to host an American President that didn't order a hamburger and Freedom Fries.

Newt Gingrich said on Sunday’s Face the Nation that the President cannot make changes the country needs alone, but needs the help of other elected official. Dang it, he’s been reading the Constitution again.

Gingrich is considering a run at the presidency in 2012 if he decides he can effectively govern the nation. Someone tell Newt that voters might have to weigh in on that decision too.

Besides, why would he have to decide if he could govern effectively? That never stopped anyone before.

The SEC lawsuit against Countrywide Financial Corp. bosses hinges on a series of e-mails from chief risk officer John P. McMurray detailing the potential dangers in their portfolio and practices. Most damning was the revelation that potential loan officers were chosen based on their skill playing Jenga.

Alternative medical treatments such as aromatherapy, Reiki and herbalism are gaining acceptance from Americans who have grown to distrust government safeguards and misleading marketing from major pharmaceutical firms. That's because everybody knows that there are no hucksters the dietary supplement industry.

Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe is calling on the other members of the Common Market for Eastern and Southern Africa (COMESA) to stop violence and come together to increase trade between their countries and the rest of the world. He said the decade of war and civil strife has shrunk their industry and workforce. In fact, the only employers that offer lifetime employment any more are the warlords.

He encouraged his fellow COMESA ministers to develop trade between their countries rather than exporting all their raw materials to the European Union and other outside entities. The proposal was well received. Discussions began immediately to decide which country would manufacture bullets and who would build gun factories.

OBAMA TO MUSLIMS- GET ALONG. FRENCH TO QUEEN- BUGGER OFF

A State Department employee and his wife have been indicted for spying for Cuba for more than 30 years. They allegedly gave economic secrets to the Castro government. Like why does Billy Mays yell on his commercials?

The two weren't paid very well by Cuba. In thirty years they earned a few thousand dollars and a 1980's era radio. To make ends meet, the couple had to hold car washes and bake sales...then sent the proceeds to Havana.

There is fear that the recent thaw in Cuban-American trade relations will come under more scrutiny by Congress in the wake of the spy scandal. But it's too soon to tell. After all, somebody has to buy all those unsold Chryslers.

President Obama visited Cairo and gave a speech that lasted almost an hour, stressing the commonality between the West and the Muslim world. Some Muslims were disappointed. It's a cultural thing. A political speech that lasts only an hour seems more like a blurb.

Throughout it all the Israelis are feeling just a little picked on. In Cairo, Obama called for Israel to stop expanding and allow the Palestinians to create a homeland, told Muslims that Iran, which has pledged the destruction of Israel, has the right to have atomic weapons, then on to Buchenwald where Jews were murdered by the Nazis. Already Jewish Democrats are painting their doorjambs with lamb's blood in anticipation of Obama's re-election fundraisers.

A notable oversight was the failure of French President Sarkozy to invite Queen Elizabeth to the 65th anniversary of the D-Day landing in Normandy. Britons took offense to the insult toward the only living head of state that actually served in World War II. London restaurants are advertising their salad niccoise will be topped with ingrated cheese.

Doctors are exploring a new technique for the treatment of obesity. Instead of surgery into the abdomen to staple the stomach, doctors perform the procedure through a tube inserted orally. It is showing great promise. Of course, weight-loss is longer lasting when the doctors leave the tube in.

A recent study shows that Tourette"s Syndrome affects white kids more than any other group. Pass by any high school and it is obvious the syndrome is extremely common to all teen aged boys.

Also-ran Internet sensation Susan Boyle received consolation from a Russian ultra-nationalist right-wing party leader Vladimir Zhirinovsky in an open letter on the party's website. In the letter, Zhirinovsky said his Liberal Democratic Party (which in actuality is neither liberal, democratic or much fun) shares her problem- popular but never seem to win. Maybe a medley of Andrew Lloyd Webber next time, Vladimir?

Vladimir Putin agrees that the LDPR is a lot like Boyle; slightly off, not much to look at, lacking balance and ready for a "rest" in an institution. Right now he is dispatching:"talent scouts" to Party members for "auditions". Wink, wink.

Today is National Donut Day. Rest assured, this is the one day of the year when there will never be an epidemic of blue flu from the cops on June 5. Ever.

JUDGES, GM AND JOLTIN' JOE

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES Column June 3, 2009

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor is making the rounds with senators who will decide whether she will soon sit on the bench. She's meeting with ten senators a day for closed-door meetings. With summer beginning in Washington, staffers are grateful for all the doors fanning the air in the corridors of the Senate building.

The senators grilled Sotomayor about her ability to render judgments based upon the law of the land rather than her personal history. It was tense and nerve-wracking for Sotomayor to answer in-depth questions about her rulings, her legal philosophy and her education. All she'd brought with her were her tax returns.

General Motors, being dismantled by President Obama's wunderkind 31-year-old Brian Deese, will hand over it's Hummer line to a Chinese company that manufactures plastics and resins. The move is pure synchronicity. A pre-graduate from Yale Law school who's never had any experience in the car business selling a car business to a company that's never had any experience in the car business. Now that's an example of Obama's audacity of hope.

Next on the list are GM's Saturn and Saab lines. Several buyers for both have expressed interest in buying them. The leading candidates: a dentist in Stuttgart and a Russian 3-card-monte player in Gdansk.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney told an interviewer that he has no problem with same-sex marriages. All across the nation emergency rooms were inundated with progressive liberals complaining of whiplash.

Al-Qaida's number two man Ayman al-Zawahri blasted President Obama's visit to Cairo, saying it showed that the American leader was no different than his predecessor in dealing with corrupt dictators. But he's wrong. When President Bush visited Middle Eastern leaders, he brought tanks for a gift. President Obama brought an I-Pod with Barry Manilow's greatest hits.

Al-Qaida is worried that Obama will attract Muslims to him through his charm and eloquence. Public relations are not a particular strong suit for the terrorist organization, and they are casting wide for a consultant who can show them how to win hearts and minds. They offer a good salary and excellent bonuses for successful results, but their severance package....yikes!

North Korean Leader Kim Jong Il is apparently grooming his third son Kim Jong Un to take over the reigns of the government in the near future. Government functionaries are now referring to the shy and unassuming student who went to Swiss boarding schools as Our Commander Kim. It’s enough to turn a young man’s head. Sure beats his frat house name- Hey, Puffy-boy.

Meanwhile the military is scheduling not one but two missile tests in the coming week. Both are long-range rockets set to launch from both coasts simultaneously. Oh, by the way, what happened to Kim’s two older brothers?

Oh.

Members of the Obama Administration announced that there has been some improvement in the economic picture. Vice President Biden told an audience that there is a “solid hint” of stabilization while Deputy Treasury Secretary Neal Wolin characterized it as “whisper-soft but quilted for extra strength”.

At the same speech, Vice President Biden told the crowd that it was expected that some of the record-setting stimulus money would be wasted in the hurry to contain the economic collapse. He acknowledged that mistakes would be made, and that “some people are being scammed already.” Most Americans thought that the minute the Government announced the bailout plan.

http://screamingyellownews.blogspot.com
6:56 PM 6/2/2009

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