RHYMES WITH SNORE DEPARTMENT

PREZ SEZ 'DON'T SWEAT IT. THE CAT IS OUT OF THE BAG ANYWAY'

CIA OPS TOLD THE ENEMY ALREADY KNOWS THEIR SUPER SECRET INTERROGATION TECHNIQUES LIKE WATERBOARDING, SLEEP DEPRIVATION AND ENDLESS MILLI VANILLI REPLAYS TO BREAK DOWN ENEMY COMBATANTS WITHOUT TRAMPLING THEIR CIVIL RIGHTS THAT THEY DON'T REALLY HAVE ANYWAY, SO WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL ABOUT PUBLISHING THEM OPENLY? HUH?

AGENTS APPLAUD OBAMA'S OPEN DOOR POLICY. SAY LIKE A BREATH OF FRESH AIR WITH HINT OF MINT.

President Obama spoke to agents of the CIA today about his decision to release Bush-era memos outlining various previously secret interrogation techniques now regarded as torture, including waterboarding, sleep deprivation, isolation, and non-lethal physical violence.

Speaking to the agents along with Leon Panetta, Obama assured them that they are the unsung heroes of the now-defunct War on Terror but that they should hold their heads high for the fine work they have performed so far. He told them that he realizes that they feel like they are working with one hand tied behind their back, but that such a position would be considered torture and would not be allowed.

After the speech, spokesmen for the rank and file CIA agents petitioned Congress to declare being forced to endure another such speech be labeled torture and be outlawed.