LUCKY, PLUCKY AND JUST DUCKY

ABC featured a segment on a cat named Lucky who fell 26 stories and lived. It wasn't an accident, though. Lucky had just looked at his retirement portfolio. 

Window washers in an adjacent building captured the whole incident on a cell phone camera. Nothing, no matter how trivial, can escape the eye of the camera these days. Except Bigfoot...Yeti...the Loch Ness monster...Joe Biden...

 Eight years after 9/11 U.S. Customs and Border Protection is finally toughening border crossing rules. Beginning June 1 travelers will need a passport or high-tech identification documents to cross both the northern and southern borders. Canadians are especially put out by the new restrictions. Now it is as complicated to visit the United States as it is to visit Quebec.

Some Americans bemoan the end of quick and easy jaunts across the borders. Do you know how hard it will be to get a fake I.D. to hit the bars on Spring Break?

Internet sensation Susan Boyle ended up in second place in Britain's You've Got Talent competition. Her loss may have been due to her expletive-laced meltdown in front of paparazzi days before the final competition. But she's handling it well, thanks to the support and advice of industry professionals Liza Minelli, Sinead O'Connor, Brittany Spears and Lindsey Lohan.

Boyle can now return to her quiet life. No more hounding by the paparazzi, no more mobs of adoring fans, no more internet buzz. She's even started working on that unibrow again. 

Republican Senator Kay Baily Hutchinson is calling on her GOP colleagues to move away from racial undertones in their examination of the Supreme Court Justice nominee. She says that Sonia Sotomayor should be judged on her court records rather than her racist and sexist comments. 

President Obama defended his nominee, suggesting that had she had the chance, she would go back and change her comment that she could make decisions better than old, white men. Sotomayor seconded the idea. She said she would have said she could make better decisions than old, white Republican men. 

Cuban-American relations are thawing a bit. The Obama Administration is conducting talks with Cuban officials about normalizing trade and travel between the two countries. It's about time. People in the United States have forgotten how to make a really good Cuba Libre.

Americans from all walks of life are anxious to open trade with Cuba. There are several Italian-American businessmen who lost business properties when Castro took over. They want the clubs back in operation, now that Las Vegas is turning into Disneyland. 


Treasury Secretary Timothy Geither is working hard to convince the Chinese that we really do want closer economic ties with their country. He is trying to convince them that Capitalism and Communism can co-exist to benefit both countries. The Chinese are open to hearing his spiel. The may still see the U. S. as Capitalist Running Dogs, but at least we are their Capitalist Running Dogs.

Geither might have to ladle on the schmooz to get the Chinese to widen the trade door. His strategy is to be Eddie Haskell to China's Mrs. Cleaver. 

It might work. Leave It To Beaver was never broadcast in China during the Cultural Revolution so they won't have a clue they're being played. 

GAY MARRIAGE AND THE NUCLEAR OPTION

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES Column
6:33 AM 5/28/2009

Retired Marine Corps Commandant James Jones rebutted former Vice President Dick Cheney's claim that the United States is less secure under the present administration than under George Bush. Jones is a tough old leatherneck. How tough? He invited Cheney to go hunting with him. 

The United States traded barbs with North Korea following the latest missile launch and nuclear bomb test. North Korea stated that any interference with their cargo ships will be interpreted as an act of war and they will act accordingly against South Korea. Hillary Clinton responded with an audible gasp and a severe finger-wagging, adding a stern look afterwards. 

Korean dictator Kim joon-ill may have blinked today. Thousands of North Koreans cheered and waved flags with patriotic fervor at Kim's inspiring movements. Korea-watchers were force to revise their estimates of Kim's imminent demise.

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates joined Secretary of State Clinton in the Far East to reassure Asian allies that the United States would remain at their side in the event of a Korean attack. Figuratively speaking, of course. 

Russia and China both issued statements of condemnation at North Korea's sabre-rattling. Neither country wants the blame for encouraging a military confrontation with the West. Especially the Chinese. They're holding a lot of I.O.U."s from Uncle Sam.

President Obama's choice for the Supreme Court is a 52-year-old Latina Sonya Sotomayor. GOP opposition will tread lightly, not wanting to be seen as bigoted against Hispanics, or women, or people who grew up in Bronx projects. That only leaves her judicial record to go on. Boy, is that going to be an awful dull confirmation hearing. 

So far, CNN, FOX and MSNBC have not bothered to schedule any live broadcasts of the hearings, planning only to run occasional spots during their regular shows...unless there's a really cool high-speed freeway chase gong on.

David Kennedy, chief executive of the Committee on Climate Change has warned that lamb should be abolished from menus because sheep belches are a leading cause of methane, a greenhouse gas. He recommends people change their lifestyles to a more vegan diet. Hmmm...but aren't sheep vegan?

The California Supreme Court ruled that voter-approved state constitutional amendment Prop 8 would stand. The fallout from gays and their supporters, including four State Legislators and the Attorney General, is heart-felt and sincere. Already they are making plans to continue the fight through the courts and at the ballot box. The issue is like the brother-in-law who visits for the weekend and then just won't go home.

Supporters of Gay Marriage have taken many different tacks to garner support for Gay Rights. They invoked science, logic, sympathy and assimilation, but the soft approach isn't working. Extremists are pushing for a new symbol for their movement to replace the rainbow flag- an overturned burning BMW.

Former State Senate leader Don Perata has finally been cleared of corruption charges from the Justice Department. The kickback probe has been ongoing for almost five years. I'll bet Perata would have liked term limits on that investigation.

Governor Schwarzenegger has appointed actress Bo Derek to the state horseracing commission. Most voters did not know California had a horseracing commission. Some voters did not know who Bo Derek was. They had to look her up in the People Magazine's Whatever-Happened-To issue.

 

TOLERANCEIS NOTACCEPTANCE by jekitchell
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KOREANS/IRANIANS MAKING MISCHIEF

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES
7:38 PM 5/25/2009
by J. E. Kitchell

North Korea tested a large underground nuclear device this weekend, causing concern in neighboring countries. The Japanese are especially shaken. First it was the missile test over the Sea of Japan and now this. Already the word is out that they are actively looking for Godzilla to come to their rescue.

President Obama issued a statement about the test. He told the North Koreans they need to stop their nuclear program immediately or else. It's not clear whether United Nations troops are ready for another war so soon after Iraq and Afghanistan. The contingent from Luxembourg played rock-paper-scissors to see with one of them will go.

The President also played the diplomatic card, offering President Kim jong ill a chance to spend a couple of days in the outdoors, in the hopes that by spending a little time together, tensions between the two countries would temper. Kim didn't fall for it, though. You don't have to be particularly paranoid to want to avoid quail hunting with Dick Cheney.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi made a surprise visit to China this weekend. At least it was a surprise to her. All she said was she wanted to go out for a little Chinese on the way home. Leon Panetta swears there are transcripts of the meeting where dinner was discussed with the Speaker and Beijing was mentioned.. 

Pelosi might have actually been relieved to be out of Washington and the whole brouhaha with the CIA, but the Chinese delegation that met her was less than thrilled. Every time they started to translate what she said, she stopped them and clarified her statement. It took forty minutes to tell them to take her bags to her room.

Iran launched six warships into international waters, a first for the Iranian Navy. Their mission was two-fold: show the gulf states an example of Iranian power, and to protect Iranian cargo ships from pirates. Reactions were mixed. Israel claimed the move was provocative and aggressive and the country went on full alert. The Somali pirates carried on as usual, secure in the knowledge that no Navy Seal sharpshooters were aboard the vessels.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad challenged President Obama to a debate in the United Nations. He's just responding to Obama's invitation to sit down and discuss ways of reducing tensions in the Middle East. First, though, before they delve too deeply into the arcane intricacies of international trade, banking and diplomacy, they need to get past that little thing called wiping Israel off the face of the earth. It's a conversation-stopper.

The United States has lost some authority in the General Assembly of the U.N., but if anybody can restore America's place in the world, it's Obama. He has a secret plan to help him if he decides to meet Ahmadinejad. All he has to do to score points on the world stage is to make sure he and the Iranian President use the same lectern. Few things will dampen one's international credibility more than to have to stand tippy-toe to harangue and threaten.

Newest Political Shirt design

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES Column May 24

Al Gore spoke at the World Business Summit on Global Change, urging CEOs to invest heavily in technology to reduce greenhouse gasses, despite the worldwide economic downturn. He spoke with urgency, passion and conviction, pressing the corporations to make their decisions. You can’t blame him. The time for action is now. His fifteen minutes in the candlelight is just about up.

His employment in companies that will benefit financially from his huckstering of global warming may seem a little self-serving, but a guy’s gotta make a buck somehow, and the Government pension barely pays his electric bill.

Outside the summit anti-globalization protestors marched against multi-national corporations They believe that the wealthy few hold too much power, and both wealth and power should be distributed among the poor. Gore believed that too, until he found a way to become wealthy and powerful. Now his political philosophy is “I got mine, and I’m going to get yours too.”

The Speaker of the House now avoids reporters and refuses to give any more statements on the CIA torture issue. She’s decided she’s said enough, and she’s right. If you want to know what happened, you now have a choice of half-a-dozen versions from which to choose.

The Vice President was relieved, though, to have some of the media attention for gaffes taken from him for a while. It gave him a chance to soak his feet before putting them back into his mouth.

The GOP has been enjoying the epidemic of Democratic Foot-in Mouth disease lately. They consider it payback for eight years of Democrats making fun of President George Bush and his Bushisms. But observers caution the Republicans from trying to take advantage of the moment. Already there is a legislation proposed that would prohibit making fun of Democrats. It is an amendment to the Americans with Disabilities Act.

Detroit City Councilperson JoAnn Watson paid just $68 in property taxes on her downtown property, provoking an investigation of the Assessor’s office. Similar properties average $2000 to $6500 in taxes. Ms. Watson said she thought the drop in the assessment was due to damage from a tornado she said hit in either 1993 or 2002. Well, either that or something else that might have happened at some point, somewhere around here. Um…she’ll get back to us on that some time….maybe.

State governments are looking hard for new sources of tax income to help salvage busted budgets. California is considering legalizing marijuana and Reuters is reporting they envision a $50 an ounce tax on the weed. Oregon, not to be outdone, is contemplating a $98 an ounce tax. 

Kinda makes the cigarette taxes look generous, doesn’t it?

Sin taxes are a favorite target for strapped state and local governments. Georgia is looking at a $5 tax on stripper fans, Virginia might begin taxing hotel movie rentals and California increasing sales tax on porn. What are they trying to do, put sex back into the privacy of one’s own home?

Authorities in Alaska are cracking down on Charley Vandergaw, the recluse who has been hand-feeding bears at his isolated cabin for twenty years. The Anchorage District Attorney has charged Vandergaw with twenty counts of illegally feeding wild game.They’re afraid the man will end up like former wildlife advocate Timothy Treadwell, who, along with his girlfriend, were eaten by the “tame” bears they communed with. But Vandergaw isn’t worried. He’s counting on the individualistic Alaskan public to support his cause against the intrusive government. And, failing that, he’s got a plan for escaping jail- if he can only train one of the bears to drive his getaway car.

Steppin' out- Steppin' in it

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES Column May 23
May 23, 2009 by jekitchell 
» Former South Korean President Roh Moo-hyun leapt to his death, leaving a suicide note explaining his shame for being accused of accepting bribes. Americans were stunned at the news. Not that he committed suicide. They were shocked at a politician that felt shame.
» That would never happen in America. Being investigated for illegal acts here would get you a book contract and your own television show.
» The Nancy Pelosi/CIA battle continues, with the Speaker of the House insisting the CIA lied to her and Leon Panetta defending the Agency’s reputation for telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth whenever it’s absolutely- sometimes- occasionally- on a need to know- eyes- only basis.
» It is a fine line they are walking in trying to reveal secret documents on the subject of torture/enhanced interrogation techniques. On the one hand, sound decisions can only be made when all the facts are studied. On the other hand, revealing techniques only serves to help potential enemies counter-train their operatives in the future. Congress and the CIA are both struggling with the most important priorities of the issue: What will help them keep their job.
» The Speaker is not getting much support from fellow Congressmen in her fight with the CIA. Even the Secret Service has given her a new code name: Jason Bourne.
» President Obama and former Vice President Dick Cheney both gave speeches on the subject of National Security this week. Watchers debated which gave the best speech. Obama won hands down for eloquence, inspiration and diction. Cheney scored for penetrating analysis, steadfast logic and biting sarcasm. He scored extra points for using no expletives and not shooting anyone.
» All of the California Propositions went down in defeat in this week’s special election. Voters were handed the disastrous budget to solve and overwhelmingly nixed tax increases, service cuts, money shuffling, financial finagling, political wrangling, public relation contretemps, and media manipulation. Now state legislators can settle down and get back to normal: making secret back-room deals out of the public eye.
» Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger now has to decide whether to follow through with his threat to fire thousands of state workers and add more furlough days to the rest. The solution will be difficult and elusive. He and the State Legislators must work night and day, forsaking personal comforts, focused with single-minded intensity,consider every option, and think outside the box to fix this nightmare in time for the 2010 election campaign season.
» County and city governments aren’t immune. The State plans to raid local coffers to fill gaps in the budget and nobody is happy about it. School is nearly out for the year and summer recreation programs are being cancelled for lack of funding. What will the kids do all summer? Hey, my lawn needs mowing….
» Some teachers are getting pink slips at the end of this school year because districts say they are broke. The districts have had to contract a well-known consulting firm to help them figure out why they have no money.

Posted in humor, current events, news satire, bi-weekly | No Comments »

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES

A recent investigation found that hundreds of airplane mechanics in the United States cannot read or write English, the language in which repair manuals and maintenance reports are written. Next time you fly in an airliner, check and see if the flight crew are wearing parachutes

The problem is economic- trained airplane mechanics earn upwards of $35 an hour, while day laborers can make only $10 an hour. Not to mention that all those expensive tools and parts. 

Maybe it's part of a plan to begin raising rates. Hey, if you don't want the door to fall off at 30,000 feet, you can pay the "I won't fall out of the sky" surcharge..

The Senate voted to check credit card rate increases and excessive fees. Now, they didn't vote to put a cap on the interest rates, just made the credit card companies let you know ahead of time that they are going to clobber you. And not right away. The law doesn't take effect for another year, so there's plenty of time to make the credit-burdened public cough up more dough. That's the way to lean on 'em, you stalwart defenders of the working man.

Los Angeles was shaken by a 4.1 magnitude aftershock today following this week's earthquake. Some people say the Governor is going too far by creating earthquakes to scare voters into passing his budget propositions. 

Polls are showing that although voter turnout is going to be sparse, most of the propositions will go down in defeat, which throws the solution to California's disasterous budget back at the Legislature and the Governor. More wrangling, more arguing, more finagling over the most important matter on their agenda- will they be able to maintain their per diem?

They will have to sit down in Sacramento Wednesday and figure out whether to slash state employee rolls or pile on even more taxes and fees to begin fixing the state budget. The choices are difficult and frought with deadly pitfalls. Whatever decisions they make they are going to have to face the voters and somehow convince them that their decisions are in the best interests of everyone and for the future of the State. It's the equivalent of Baskin Robbins replacing their 31 flavors with boiled cauliflower.

The times demand that Californians pull together in shared sacrifice, foregoing expectations and accepting reduced living standards to get us all back on track. In some neighborhoods, rumor has it the pool man will also have to cut the grass. Hard times, my friend. 

Archeaologists have discovered what may be the fossil of the "missing link".  A 47,000,000 year-old skeleton of a pre-primate with four legs, a tail and opposing thumbs is being exhibited to interested scientists around the world. Reconstruction by forensic sculptors suggest that the creature may be Senator Robert Byrd.

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES

Vice President Joe Biden denies that he gave away the secret location of Dick Cheney's bunker hideout at the recent Gridiron Dinner. He maintains that it can't be much of a secret when anyone can buy a map of Washington D.C. with the exact location of the Old Naval Observatory with a red arrow pointing to the bunker?

Of course, just to be safe, Biden will be bunking with some unnamed friends at undisclosed locations for the rest of his term. 

He has already called the Speaker of the House for some pointers on backtracking public statements. 

President Obama just shrugged off the latest Biden gaffe. He sees the Vice President as his number one key to job security.

While overseas, the President met with Israeli President Netanyahu and they discussed the Palestinian situation, Middle East peace and Iranian nuclear ambitions. Netanyahu was noncommittal on all the issues for fear of alienating his political base. It's hard to believe anyone would play politics with...uh... national security...um...issues...oh never mind.

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geither told the Nation's CEO's aren't going to have to worry about the government putting limits on the amount of money they can earn. It was a bad idea anyway. Who would want to serve a brunch of roasted Golden Goose?

A U.N. report has been issued warning that the poor will suffer more from global-warming-induced weather extremes. One example they cite is the 19 million people in greater Manilla living in shanty towns who would be swamped should the city be hit by a tsunami. Apparently, swamping 19 million people in nice homes would be preferable.

At the Cannes Film Festival controversial director Lars von Trier's disturbing film "Antichrist" shocked the jaded audience and drew boos and jeers when it ended. Von Trier was not bothered with the audience reaction. "I don't make movies for the audience. I make them for myself." he said. That should make it more challenging for him to find investors for his next film when ROI is DOA.

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES May 18

AIG CEO Edward Liddy told 60 Minutes the company is trying to pay back the American public, acknowleging that the company has "a unique place" in public opinion. Unique? Hardly. AIG shares a spot in public opinion with Osama Bin Ladin, Adolf Hitler and Black Death

Liddy added that AIG is doing the best they can to repay the taxpayers. He said if the economy really turns sour, the "have a plan." Oh great. I hope it's a better plan than the one they had when they collapsed and cost the taxpayers almost $200 billion. 
.
President Obama wants to show the Conservatives and Moderates that he can be just as tough on National Security issues as his predesessors, and hopes his stance on Gitmo and terrorist interrogations will give him an in to find some middle ground with his opponents in Congress. Liberals are livid. What next? they ask, Dick Cheney for vice president?

Compromise is the grease that runs the machine of Government. Politics is the sand thrown into the gears.

The repair mission on the Hubble Telescope is proving more difficult than they originally planned. Stuck bolts, dead battery. Maybe they should have called NAS-AAA.

Archaeologists are investigating whether the Navajo Indians could have used smoke signals to warn of approaching enemies. Seeking out mountaintop positions and using special flares, the scientists are testing the theory that signals could have been rapidly spread through the region in times of crisis.Arnold Schwarzenegger is watching the results. He may have found another way to spread the alarm about the state budget. 

As the California Special Election gets closer unions representing teachers, correctional officers and service employees are pushing hard for favorable concessions and financial guarantees from the state in case the outcome of the election forces them to make cutbacks and givebacks. They shouldn't worry, though. The only thing with more pull than the unions on the politicians in Sacramento is gravity.

Governor Schwarzenegger has been taking every opportunity to play Chicken Little about the State Budget, warning that collapse is imminent unless voters do exactly what he says. But voters aren't listening. They must think they are State Legislators.

It might have been a bad idea to throw the budget solutions to the voters rather than dealing with it in the Capitol. Folks might start thinking that we don't need full-time Legislators. After all, if they had to spend half the year making a living under the same rules as the rest of us, they'd spend the other half of the year making it easier.

If ever a politician makes a campaign promise that he or she, if elected, will just sit in their office and do nothing, they'd have my vote. 

The Queen of England is somewhat perturbed at the scandal brewing involving her Prime Minister. Word is she might take him out to Ye Olde Woodshed for a flogging.

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES COLUMN May 15, 2009

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES
Items From Around and About by J. E. KITCHELL

May 15, 2009
· President Obama has changed his mind about ending the military tribunals slated for terror suspects, much to the dismay of his Democratic supporters. Hey, he promised change, didn’t he?
· General Motors will cut loose 1,100 dealers nationwide. The domestic automobile industry is in real trouble, losing dealers while imports flood into the country. The Miracle Mile is about to become the Miracle Kilometer.
· Sixty Senators voted No on a bill that would limit the amount of interest a credit card could charge consumers to 15%. The credit card companies may continue to make billions of dollars on high-interest consumer cards. That’s good news. We just can’t afford to bail out another industry.
· More bad economic news. The Social Security Trust Fund will run out of money no later than 2037 unless something is done immediately. The Congressional Budget Office suggested raising the retirement age. They figure if Americans put off retiring until they are 115...
· The White House is hard at work on the problem too. President Obama plans to change the meaning of the word ‘Trust’. From now on, ‘Trust’ will be defined as ‘a meaningless, random set of letters signifying emptiness and nothingness’.
· The British Government is reeling from a scandal involving the Prime Minister and others using government funds for internet porn. That’s one of the differences between Britain and America- their crooked pols come a lot cheaper than ours.
· The Republicans are attacking Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, trying to weaken her authority, and by extension the Democrats, by proving she knew all along that waterboarding was one of the interrogation techniques. Their goal is to prove the Democrats are just as guilty of lying, corruption and ignorance as the Republicans. Maybe the GOP should try to set their goals a little higher.
· It’s not like most voters don’t already know it. The only person who thinks a politician is pure, honest and honorable probably gave birth to him.
· The White House keeps sending Congressional Democrats the message that they should be looking forward instead of backward, but the Congress is not listening. Being handed the reins of power for them is like giving a kid the keys to the candy store. Next thing you know, you’re in a daze with goo leaking out the corners of your mouth and vowing never to do it again. 
· If it were up to the Democrats, they would have had Bush become President for Life just so they could beat him up forever. That was the one thing they all could agree on. 
· Former Vice President Dick Cheney request for transcripts of CIA interrogation briefings was turned down. He told them he didn’t want them for political purposes. He just wanted some light bedtime reading material.
· Former Vice President Al Gore tut-tutted Cheney for remaining in the political arena after leaving office, telling his listeners he waited two years before making critical remarks at the sitting administration. It must be noted that to this day no one has taken anything he has said seriously. 

SOUNDED LIKE A COOL IDEA DEPARTMENT

OBAMA AID FALLS ON SWORD FOR BOSS

ACCEPTS PRE-WRITTEN RESIGNATION LIKE A GOOD SOLDIER FROM COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF

May Need Post-Traumatic Rehab After All Shakes Out

   Former Army Secretary Louis Caldera fell resigned from the Obama Administration following the ill-fated photo-op he approved of Air Force One flying low over Manhattan. The stunt sent panicked New Yorkers running into the streets. 

   Caldera explained in the pre-written resignation letter that he did not fully recognize the potential effects on the low-flying airplane on the still-jittery population, was not aware that the plan was fully operational at that point in time, failed to fully read e-mails on the matter, missed other e-mails because he has more than one official e-mail address and he was doped up on pain pills and couldn't make a rational decision. 

    He insists he made the New York city and state governments aware of the stunt, but the FAA insisted that it be kept secret, for reasons that have not come to light. 

   The president cut Caldera loose quickly, hoping that by serving his head on a platter, the whole embarrassing story would fade away.  Critics point out that even if the idea had been a good one, which it wasn't, the cost of $35000 for the fuel alone and a total of $345000 for publicity of the world's best known airplane in  a time of government belt-tightening seems unnecessary.

  

MIS-SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE DEPARTMENT

PELOSI REISSUES DENIAL OF WATERBOARDING KNOWLEDGE

PAPER TRAIL SHOWS SHE WAS IN THE KNOW

CAN'T SHAKE THE FEELING THAT TRUTH COMMISH WILL ACTUALLY SHOW THE TRUTH

     Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi felt compelled to issue yet another clarification regarding what she knew about the interrogation methods used on terrorist suspects and when she knew them.

   Pelosi issued yet another press release to the media insisting she was not completely aware of the scope of the methods used, including waterboarding.

    After calling for a 'truth commission' to persecute former Bush-era functionaries, the Justice Department released formerly classified memos detailing both the range of interrogation methods and notes about explanatory meetings conducted to Congressional committee members in which they were briefed about the treatment of prisoners.

   Pelosi has insisted that she was privy to only one meeting where the subject was discussed and that she was unaware that waterboarding was one of the methods used. 

   Yet memos indicate that she was briefed numerous times and that it was made clear what techniques would be used and why. 

    Party insiders speculate that Pelosi is desperate to distance herself from the issue now that the President has disapproved.

SAN BERDOO AFLAME- AWAITS GOV'S BIG PLAN

STATE ANALYIST SAYS CAL GOING BROKE

GOVERNOR THREATENS CUTBACKS IN SERVICES

Sure, buddy, we've heard that one before

Despite Federal bailout money it expects, the State of California is still slated to pile up a $2o billion deficit in the coming year, the State Legislative Analyst's office said today.

Borrowing the money will be a chore because California is already deep in red ink and its budget is a nightmare of confusion and division, voters, who will be voting on several budget propositions in the coming special elections, show no interest in bailing the State House from its responsibilities.

Although California raised taxes and fees to help balance the budget,  cuts to salaries have been coming slowly despite threats from the Governor that if voters don't enact the propositions, he would have to cut firefighters ahead of the fire season. To underscore his message, a coincidental massive wild fire broke out in Santa Barbara County that is rapidly spreading through pricey neighborhoods.

Most State-funded workers and their unions actively support the propositions since they continue to fund their paychecks without cutting their workforce and their power. But all except the proposal to cut legislators salaries during economic slowdowns are polling negatively and may not pass in the election. 

Still, the Legislators are reluctant to tighten their belts during the economic crisis. Job losses in the public sector are but a percentage of the job losses in the private sector, and mostly limited to new hires, part-timers and temp positions. No substantive job trimming is slated in the near future, as the State is banking on an end to the fiscal crisis soon.

THE FEAR OF ALL SUMS DEPARTMENT

AIG UPGRADES BONUS TOTALS

NOT $9 MIL, NOT $120 MIL, BUT $242 MIL

Are you sure this time? No, really, really  sure?

     

AIG official have come up with yet another figure for the bonuses given out to employees in 2008 while the company was going under and taking tax dollars from the Treasury.

AIG spokesman Nick Ashooh told Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-Md) that the latest figures for bonuses stood at $242 million, far outpacing the company's answer to the same question from POLITICO.com in March. At that time, AIG admitted bonuses totaled $120 million. 

And that answer blew past the answer given a month earlier by CEO Edward Liddy before the House Financial Services Subcommittee when he told the committee members bonuses totalled "in the range of $9 million."

Ashooh told reporters the differences in the totals reported reflected the correct answer to the specific questions asked them. He said his office has answered "what they thought they were being asked."

In reality, AIG was asked a simple question: How much bonus money did they give out when they had run the company into the ground and taken bailout money from the United States government and taxpayers. 

Ashooh's excuse: "It's complicated."

AIG's evasiveness leads some to believe that further revelations are possibly forthcoming.

PILING ON DEPARTMENT

EDWARDS ADMITS HE IS TARGET OF FED PROBE

FORMER DEM CANDIDATE UNDER FIRE FOR CAMPAIGN FUND SHENANIGANS

Scorned Ex-Wife To Pen Tell-All Tome About Cancer, Two-Timing Man

7:27 PM 5/3/2009

Former Democratic Presidential Candidate and Attorney-General hopeful John Edwards faces a Federal investigation into his alleged misappropriation of political campaign monies paid to his mistress during the 2006 primary season. 

  His opponents accuse Edwards of using campaign funds for hush money to keep his affair quiet. More than $14000 was paid to Rielle Hunter to produce video footage of his campaign for future advertising and documentary purposes, but the footage has been characterized as 'equivalent in quality to the average vacation video.' The $14,000 payment was listed in the campaign records as 'furniture purchase'.
  Edwards maintains his innocence of any wrongdoing with regard to the funds in question, although he was forced to admit his affair with Ms. Hunter after tabloid newspapers hounded him for months and major network media prepared to break the story. His admission of the affair while his wife suffered through cancer treatment effectively torpedoed his Presidential ambitions. He has since then maintained a low profile. 
  As if that isn't enough, his wife, Elizabeth, who is dying of terminal cancer, is soon releasing a book detailing both her cancer and her husband's affair and the effect both have had on her. 
  Despite a full-court defense of Edwards by the Democratic machine, no serious effort has been made to bring him back into the fold for a future run at any office.