SCREAMING YELLOW NEWS

Reset

2010-11-14T07:12:00.000-08:00

/Well, the election is over and the Republicans made major inroads into the House and state governments (except California, of course). Obama called it a shellacking, Boehner is licking his chops at the leadership position and Pelosi insists it wasn't her fault. But the real news is Conan has a new show.

Senator Harry Reid evens up the race in Nevada against Angle

2010-09-25T17:59:00.000-07:00

The slugfest that is the Nevada race for the Senate looked like a sure walkaway for Sharon Angle but Reid and his political machine have managed to crawl back into the race and now it's neck and neck going into the last few weeks of the campaign.

Crazy in Iran/ Crooked in the Big Apple

2010-09-19T08:37:00.000-07:00

Two characters here represent the universal perception of political corruption, hubris and abuse of power. The President of Iran and the Congressman from Harlem- two apples from the same barrel.

Book Burning Baptist Backs Down

2010-09-12T09:17:00.000-07:00

The Rev. Terry Jones backed away from his threat to burn Korans on Patriot's Day, a threat that caused world-wide condemnation and the attention of power-brokers around the globe. Whack-a-doodles like that give America a bad name.

The VEEP visits Ground Zero

2010-09-12T09:14:00.000-07:00

The Vice President paid a visit to Ground Zero for Patriot's Day. (Mrs. Obama was in Huntsville with Laura Bush)

So where's the President? Missing in Action, we presume.

Obama gets pissed

2010-09-08T06:36:00.000-07:00

Fort Hood Massacre

2009-11-06T03:44:00.000-08:00

"Zips in the Wire"
Nuff said.

Prez Pressed for Prize

2009-10-11T19:24:00.001-07:00

Obama wins the Peace Prize...nominated only three weeks into his term...has accomplished squat domestically or internationally...sooooooo-
Okay, Gore wins with his cockamamie theory, now disregarded by all sentient beings on the planet, and the PLO terrorist wins for...oh who knows.
The Nobel prize is thoroughly and officially discredited.
Nuff said.

Celeb Mea Culpa

2009-10-07T23:32:00.001-07:00

"Class" Distinction

2009-10-06T21:34:00.000-07:00

When push comes to shove, you really find out who your friends are. Roman Polanski, the famed (and infamous) film director, is fighting to avoid extradition to the U.S. to answer to his rape of a 13-year-old years ago. The Swiss (those bastions of privacy and discretion) turned Polanski in in a heartbeat. But it was the gliteratti of Hollywood that came to his rescue, pleading against his extridition, and against having to serve his time in prison, because of a "not rape-rape" as Whoopi Goldberg said. I cannot stand the hypocracy of the lefties when one of their own is on the hot seat. Then, no matter what the crime, it's "nothing, really".

Chu Chides "Children"

2009-09-23T06:06:00.000-07:00

perspectives

2009-09-22T17:34:00.000-07:00

Some Drama Obama

2009-09-22T08:26:00.000-07:00

The New Old War

2009-09-21T20:37:00.000-07:00

Whoa..., for a minute there I almost cared T-shirt from Zazzle.com

2009-07-26T11:43:00.000-07:00

ObamaCare

2009-07-26T10:21:00.000-07:00

Pelosi Pushes

2009-07-20T20:50:00.000-07:00

2009-07-12T10:46:00.000-07:00

Health Care and You

2009-07-11T20:53:00.000-07:00

2009-07-09T04:17:00.000-07:00

Franken Gets D.C. Gig

2009-07-08T07:04:00.000-07:00

Obama Cuts A Deal- Chinese Revolting

2009-07-07T20:43:00.000-07:00

PUTIN PREPS FOR PREZ

2009-07-06T07:08:00.000-07:00

Fireworks

2009-07-05T08:38:00.000-07:00

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY- INDEPENDENCE DAY

2009-07-04T06:58:00.000-07:00

New Video Entry

2009-07-03T08:43:00.000-07:00

PREZ PLUMMITS IN POLLS- FAILS JACKO RESURRECTION- No He Can't

2009-07-02T07:16:00.000-07:00

President Obama is rapidly losing popularity with his newly-won supporters for failing to resurrect Michael Jackson, who passed away this week, according to a Rasmussen poll.
An increasing number of Democrat supporters in the metropolitan voting districts are incensed that Obama has yet to bring Jackson back to life.
Several polled also said they were disappointed that Obama flew in a jet to Europe last month, after having assumed he had walked there.

DEATH STALKS HOLLYWOOD HASBEENS- True Status of Entertainment Q Unveiled- "Forget What Your Agent Tells You, Here's The Real Deal"

2009-06-30T06:17:00.000-07:00

Is the Angel of Death stalking Hollywood and the entertainment industry?
That is the question on the minds of many in the profession with the recent series of celebrity deaths. Has-beens, hacks and wannabes live in fear that they might be the next victim of the Grim Reaper as sudden and unexpected deaths continue to mow down the denizens of the footlights.
The streets of Hollywood and Sunset Strip are nearly deserted of any locals as they cower in their apartments and on friends couches waiting for the deathstorm to subside. Even former A-list actors who have migrated to television and commercials are looking over their shoulders, wondering if they will be the next to go. Alec Baldwin has announced plans to move to a secret bunker out of the country for his protection.
Cable network execs are finding it difficult to plan hokey, innovative and cutting-edge new shows as the list of available former stars dwindles by the day. Reality programming producers who wish to exploit former celebrities are left bereft as duck and cover is the watchword among the ranks of entertainers and one-hit-wonders.
Restaurant business is down because waiters/actors are afraid to leave the safety of their homes.
Prostitutes that were interviewed said most of their business is coming from conventioneers, Midwest grain farmers and high school kids out on the town. They complain that they used to be tipped better than this clientele is willing to pay for the works.
Victims of the current fashion of sudden demise include Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays, Fred Travalena, Gale Storm, Ed McMahon, David Carradine, Danny Gans. Dr. Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson's personal physician who was present when the pop star went room temperature, has not yet been connected with the all of the deaths.

POP JACKSON PINCHES PREZ FOR PAYOLA- DOC HASN'T KILLED ANY JACKSONS TODAY

2009-06-29T06:32:00.000-07:00

President Barack Obama has assured Joe Jackson, the father and mentor of the late Michael Jackson, that the White House will push Congress to immediately pass a stimulus bill for the Jackson family.

With the tragic loss of the main breadwinner of the family, the Jackson family faces foreclosure, which would render them homeless.

The President told Jackson that the talented family, which is nearly a national treasure, deserves everything the country can give. A special committee will be formed among the Congressional Black Caucus and will begin work on the Save The Jacksons Resolution today. First on the agenda will be to gather a list of deserving Jacksons. Among those on the list are Tito, Janet, Germain, Joe, LaToya, Jesse, Kate and Action Jackson.

Pundits predict Kate Jackson will not make the cut.

Dr. Conrad Murray, Michael's personal physician who was with him at the time of his death, is expected to be retained by the family to give "physicals" to those on the list who may not be deemed eligible for the stimulus package.

STORM SUBSIDES- MURRAY NOT SUSPECT IN DEATH

2009-06-28T14:28:00.000-07:00

Fifties television star, movie actress and singer Gale Storm died today at her home. She was 87.

A B-actress in the late forties and fifties at Republic Studios, she gained popular fame in the series My Little Margie.

Police do not suspect Dr. Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson's personal physician, of killing her.

PITCHMAN PACKS IT IN- JACKO M.D. NOT SUSPECT

2009-06-28T14:02:00.000-07:00

Billy Mays, the television pitchman famous for his boisterous hawking of household products on t.v. was found dead today of unknown causes. Authorities are not releasing details of the death scene pending the conclusion of the investigation.

Following the investigation, the scene will be cleaned with Ka-Boom and OxyClean, the two miracle cleaners he sold onscreen. Any difficult stains will just disappear, leaving the rug and furniture in brand-new condition.

Dr. Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson's personal physician, is not considered a suspect, although for a period of time following the death of Jackson the Morris was absent and his whereabouts unaccounted for.

POP IDOLS DROP DEAD, DOC DENIES SPREE

2009-06-26T20:52:00.000-07:00

The sudden death of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett has left the Seventies and Eighties Iconography in serious disarray. Fans of the two most famous celebrities of the decades are bereft of idols.

Already millions of fans are casting about blindly for some sort of replacement to tame their glam-jones and give some faux-meaning to their empty,wayward lives and hundreds of lesser-known second-bananas, wannabees and has-beens are lining up to be the next King of Pop and Queen of the Posters.

Dr. Conrad Murray, who was with Jackson as his personal physician when he died, has denied that he also killed Fawcett and the late Ed McMahon with his exotic mixtures of drugs.

SANFORD QUITS GOP- CALLS HIGH STANDARDS TOO MUCH FOR HORNDOG LIKE HIMSELF

2009-06-24T12:40:00.000-07:00

Governor Sanford of South Carolina admitted that his trip to Argentina was to spend time with his long-time mistress and he will now, thanks to the ultra-high standards of the GOP, have to resign from the party.

"He's practically a Democrat," said one supporter. "We'd expect this sort of behaviour from a Clinton, or a Jackson, but one of our own? Unthinkable."

Sanford may still serve out the remaining year of his office, but will no longer be welcome at the country club, party meetings and the Elks Club.

WHERE'S SANFORD? S.C. GOV SEEKS EXOTICA

2009-06-24T07:10:00.000-07:00

Governor Mark Sanford has returned from his "vacation" hiking in the Appalachians. Family and staff members could not tell the press where the Governor went, nor what he did, nor how to get hold of him in an emergency.

Clueless staffers and indifferent family members gave a multitude of explanations and excuses for the Governor's absence and threw out buckets of red herrings for reporters to dine upon.

The Governor returned to the public spotlight today explaining he decided to go to Argentina rather than hike in the mountains to "find something exotic". His first stop- a health clinic to check out the "exotic" rash he may have picked up overseas.

Prez Kicks Tobacco - and So Will You

2009-06-22T21:00:00.000-07:00

President Obama wants to quit smoking, and every American will do their part to help him. By Executive order, and through legislation, Obama will begin the process of ridding the entire country of the noxious weed.

He will put an end to flavored cigarettes, and cute advertising aimed at young people, and while he's at it, he will quit smoking for the one thousand, two hundred and sixty-sixth time.

He won't say it'll be easy, but the State Department has passed on an advisory to any and all tin-pot dictators and anti-American political leaders that the most powerful man in the world, the man with his finger on the button, will possibly be a little fragile for the next several months.

As a precaution, the Air Force officer who is in charge of the "nuclear football" has been ordered to maintain a discreet distance from the President.

DEAF CW FANS FINALLY SEE LYRICS/ QUESTION MEANING OF "GIT 'ER DONE"

2009-06-20T21:09:00.000-07:00

The Grand Ole Opry, the Mecca of country music in Nashville, Tennessee, will begin offering giant caption boards during their evening shows to accommodate the hearing impaired. This was after it was determined that just playing louder wasn't enough.

The General Manager of the Opry has already apologized for not installing the hardware sooner. She said she just heard about it.

Several technical problems had to be overcome before the first captioned show went on. First and foremost: displaying the words in English or some sort of HeeHaw dialect. It was a major decision. Country music fans have become used to the accents and dialects of the South and Appalachia. Translating the dialects into English could lead to misunderstandings of lyrics and jokes. But is was decided that if the hard-of-hearing hadn't heard any of this before, then it wouldn't matter now. So the decision was to go to the vernacular and let their hearing friends explain the jokes.

BRITS QUIT ALPHABITS- TXT RTNG FSTR, SMPLR

2009-06-20T20:47:00.000-07:00

The English will no longer speak the King's English. The British government has passed down new guidelines to teachers. First out- "i" before "e" except after "c". The old rule had too many exceptions.

The Spelling Society approves of the move, saying the rule simplifies spelling. Next on their list: change the spelling of colour and bullocks (color and bulls) for having excess letters.

The move makes sense in the era of text messaging. Soon, the Oxford Dictionary will only list "4" for the word "for" and "h8" for the word "hate". Of course, "stupid" will remain "stupid".

ABC TO AIR OBAMA LIFE AS IT HAPPENS

2009-06-20T06:20:00.000-07:00

ABC television has announced a new weekly program "This Amazing President" featuring stories featuring fascinating in-depth stories about President Obama. Network executives are ecstatic over projections of viewership of the proposed program.

"We think America is ready to follow the daily life of this most wonderful and fascinating President," ABC Entertainment Division said in a press release," Just watching him catch a fly during the interview convinced our Programming Executives that Obama in his totality is just too fascinating and engaging to withhold from America and the world."

The weekly show will feature the president performing all of his daily functions, from brushing his teeth (mesmerizing, and yes, he does it himself) to taking on world heads of state in diplomatic crises(the power and charisma of the man will send a thrill up your leg).

Preliminary plans are to show the program Friday nights, with repeats in the ten o'clock hour and rebroadcasts every evening during local programming hours.

CAL. GOV. K's IN D.C.

2009-06-17T20:11:00.001-07:00

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger slouched back into Sacramento empty-handed after prostrating himself before President Obama for federal funds to bail out the nearly bankrupt state. He should should have known that Obama wouldn't bother to bail out a state that can always be counted on to vote Democratic. That money is meant to stimulate undecided voters.

Schwarzenegger had to face a deeply divided state house, where Legislators are dug in on the issue of cuts versus tax increases. There is little hope of compromise between the two sides. The "aye" light on the voting board was burnt out for a week before anyone noticed.

State unemployment is nearing 15%, nearly double the nation's average, putting a heavy strain on unemployment, welfare and MediCal funding. It's so bad plastic surgeons are starting to put limits on breast implants: only starlets verified connection to the studios will be able to get the procedure.

NEW CAR CO. PROMISES FORTUNE TURNAROUND

2009-06-17T19:50:00.000-07:00

Al Gore has become a partner in a new car company in Louisiana that plans to produce a high-mileage gas-powered car. The first model planned from the plant will be named in honor of their high profile investor- the Flaming Hypocrite.

The investment from KPCB, which employs Gore, will be short term. Next year, KPCB plans to lose billions and apply for bailout money, then sell the company to European car companies.

Health Care and The Networks- First, Take a Breath Mint...

2009-06-17T19:23:00.000-07:00

President Obama's full court press on his health care initiative got a big boost from the ABC network which offered him an hour of uninterrupted prime time to sell his plan to the country. Along with the infomercical Good Morning America will also interview Michelle Obama. Apparently CBS will not have Dave Letterman try any jokes about the Obama children.

The complex issue is meeting resistance from doctors, hospitals and insurers, along with some health care advocates. The dividing issue seems to be choice. But President Obama countered that "choice" is overrated and he really, really will make it better for Americans if they just let him.

Republicans were rebuffed by the network when they asked for a small segment to present an opposing view. The network said they consulted their lawyers and there is no opposing view. Everyone they talked to said Obama will take care of it and that's that.

How's that Change workin' out for ya?

2009-06-17T15:59:00.000-07:00

RIPPED OFF THE WIRES: POLL DECLARES BARACK THE BOMB-A

2009-06-16T04:45:00.001-07:00

A recent poll declared President Barack Obama the most stylish man in the world, beating out Brad Pitt, George Clooney and even Andy Warhol.

The poll questioned 1000 people at random at a recent Obama 2012 committee meeting and found that the President is also considered taller, smarter and has a whiter smile and fresher breath than anyone else on earth.

His fashion sense outclassed all other world leaders, said the pollsters. Ahmadinejad's stubble and proletariat threads and Kim Il-Jong's outdated Nehru jacket ensembles failed to put them in the top fifty.

The upcoming issue of People Magazine will feature The Fifty Most Incredible Celebrities. Obama will place one through thirty-eight.

The editors of Time Magazine have announced that pictures of the President will grace every cover for the next ten years and he has already been chosen for their Man of the Year in 2009, 2010 and 2011 year-end issues.

RIPPED OFF THE WIRES: IRAN ELECTION- FIXING THE FIX

2009-06-16T04:17:00.000-07:00

Iran's Guardian Council will recount the votes in the disputed landslide election of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The clerics will focus on those sites where accusations of irregularities were most disputed. South Florida is not on the list.

The Council will gather together poll workers to go over the ballots, looking for handing chads and trying to decipher voter intent. The intent part is a no-brainer- get Ahmadinejad out of office.

It's not like the ballot was complicated. They had two names- Ahmadinejad in big bold letters and Mousavi in tiny print with a skull and crossbones next to it.

Ahmadinejad has said he is confident that he will triumph in the recount and is open to a redo on the election if it comes to that. All he asks is that he would be given an opportunity to sway opposition voters to his side. He figures holding a few thousand hostages should be enough.

RIPPED OFF THE WIRES: EARTH'S DAYS NUMBERED

2009-06-15T05:58:00.000-07:00

Screaming Yellow News: Ripped Off The Wires

EARTH DOOMED
Interstellar Bank Shot To Send Earth Into Corner Pocket

French astroscientists have released the results of a computer study that shows that there is one chance in thousands that an improbable series of celestial events could occur sending Mercury banging through the Solar System causing Venus or Mars to crash into the Earth sometime in the next 3.5 billion years.

Al Gore says the computer simulation proves his point that man is the culprit in the end of life on the earth. Without bizarre computer simulations showing improbable results through obtuse data there would be no planet-threatening scenarios that are so important to tabloid science journals.

The Nobel Prize-winning environmentalist, author, filmmaker and former politician has already called upon his supporters to donate funds to his foundation to combat the problem and force Mercury back into its orbit.

Screaming Yellow News: Ripped Off The Wires

2009-06-14T07:53:00.000-07:00

Screaming Yellow News: Ripped Off The Wires
LA CITY ROOTS FOR MAGIC OVER LAKERS
:"Can't Afford A Win" Says Council

The Los Angeles City Council cheered the Orlando Magic to beat hometown fave Lakers in the NBA Championship to avoid the cost of a victory parade.

"Let Orlando cough up the funds for a parade," a councilwoman told reporters. "We here in Los Angeles have our priorities right. Our budget is a shambles and the thought of having to sponsor a victory celebration and then clean up the wreckage afterward is beyond nonsensical."

Spokesman for the Lakers management offered to throw the last three games to Orlando to help out their home town, in exchange for an unlimited get-out-of-jail-free card for each Laker player. The City is said to be considering the offer.

Screaming Yellow News Update: Ripped Off The Wires

2009-06-14T07:43:00.000-07:00

Screaming Yellow News: Ripped Off the Wires
IRANIAN ELECTION WOES

Iranian citizens took to the streets throwing stones, burning cars and clashing with police following this week's landslide re-election of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as president. Ahmadinejad dismissed the protests, likening the rioting as similar to the aftermath of a soccer match. Or a Lakers game. Or a Super Bowl loss. Or win. Or Prop. 8 protest.

Opposition supporters of Mir Hossein Mousavi insist that he is the rightful winner of the election and that Ahmadinejad rigged the election. They insist everyone they know voted for Mousavi and Ahmadinejad couldn't have possibly won the election. The President is giving careful consideration to the accusation and has asked police to question the protesters and find out the names of everyone they know. Just to check up. No, really.

Mindful of world opinion, Ahmadinejad has considered letting former president Jimmy Carter audit the election results. Rioting intensified until the President withdrew the idea.

Vice President Joe Biden questioned the results of the election. He said it is highly suspect to have such an overwhelming victory at the polls despite seemingly strong opposition numbers by a candidate who, although a popular speaker, has clearly shown he is inadequate to the job and leads by cult of personality. He reminded reporters he was speaking about Ahmadinejad.

Ripped From The Headlines: Ahmadinejad Stumps, Letterman Dumps, Bush Jumps,

2009-06-13T12:02:00.000-07:00

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has won a landslide victory over former Prime Minister Mir Hossein Mousavi in the Presidential elections in Iran. He beat the reformist Mousavi through his immense charisma, his scintillating oratory and the secret police.

Pre-election polling suggested that Mousavi would likely beat Ahmadinejad, but the ballots told a different story. Al Gore called Mousavi and coached him on his next moves. First, he said, file a lawsuit to recount the ballots, then challenge the ruling, then drop out of politics, make up a ridiculous junk science theory, sell it to the ruling class and become wealthy.

Ahmadinejad can now claim a mandate from the people to continue his agenda to restore Iran's respect from the international community. Next on the list: ask the Mullahs to declare fatwa on late-night television comedians.

David Letterman has issued a non-apology for a joke he told about Sarah Palin and her fourteen-year-old daughter having sex with Alex Rodriguez. The conservative community is outraged that Letterman would make such a tasteless reference on television and condemnation is coming from congressmen, talk show hosts, clergymen and women's rights advocates. Letterman deserves every bit of it. I mean, come on! Like A-Rod would leave the field in the middle of a game..

CBS executives have gone into overtime dealing with the bad publicity. But the signs are positive. Next time they are in the ratings cellar, the plan is they will have Letterman make another questionable joke.

President Obama pushed Congress to fast-track his proposal to create a national health care program. Legislators got to work immediately to figure out how to balance the nearly $1 trillion-dollar combination of tax hikes and benefit trims to make the proposal work. Obama did his part to help them by issuing a Executive Order putting in a 24-hour Starbucks kiosk on the House floor.

Pharmaceutical Representatives, medical provider lobbyists and insurance companies descended upon the House to argue for some advantage to their industries. The AMA has issued guidelines for dealing with elected officials: they recommend take two Congressmen and call me in the morning.

President Obama will sign a landmark bill handing the FDA authority over the manufacture and sale of cigarettes. The bill promises to add fees, increase compliance paperwork and strictly regulate tobacco companies in order to protect Americans from the deadly effects of smoking but stops short of banning sales of the product. In reality, it is part of the stimulus plan. How many jobs will open up for inspectors, paper shufflers, accountants and legal analysts to figure out how to get around the rules.

One of the measures in the bill will require larger warnings on cigarette packs. Phillip Morris beat the FDA to the punch. Next year, they will begin marketing These Things Will Kill You 100's.

One section in the bill will require a health warning be shown before any Warner Brothers movie made in the nineteen-forties and fifties.

Former President George H.W. Bush celebrated his 85th birthday by skydiving. Originally, he and former President Bill Clinton were scheduled for a tandem jump, but Clinton didn't make it. He was in the back of the plane joining the Mile High Club.

OBAMA DEALS, TALIBAN REELS, REID APPEALS

2009-06-10T07:04:00.000-07:00

June 11, 2009

President Obama returns to the Capitol from his MidEast/European jaunt to plunge back into the fight for nationalized medicine, the housing crisis, the economy woes and increasing tensions in North Korea, Afghanistan and Pakistan, among other issues. Meeting with House Representatives who pressed the President for support for alternative energy legislation, the Obama responded, "No, thanks. My plate is full."

Disappointed House leaders were forced to wait until the President finished his lunch.

In an effort to reign in overly generous executive pay, Treasury Secretary Tiimothy Geithner and Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke have unveiled plans to regulate compensation on Wall Street. The move is the fulfillment of campaign promises by President Obama to close the gap between the rich and the rest of the citizens of the United States. Wall Streeters let the President know that they plan to redistribute their wealth themselves by eliminating campaign donations and removing gifts and perks so generously offered in the last election campaign season.

The White House is reconsidering the move and said no concrete decisions have been made as yet.

Chinese officials have denied holding New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin as collateral against massive loans made to the United States. The Chinese Ambassador to the United States assured White House officials that they have no more interest in keeping Nagin in China than residents in New Orleans have in keeping him in New Orleans.

Mayor Nagin was in China to study levees on the Yangtze River Valley. He met with Chinese engineers and politicians, discussing construction methods and diversion channels. The Chinese were especially interested in Nagin's expertise in diverting funds from levee building to casino building.

North Korea ramped up its bellicose posturing through a front-page story in the Minju Joson newspaper, threatening to use their nuclear weapons in an offensive manner should foreign armies try to invade the country. To show the world their sincerity, Pyongyang prepared to stage yet another missile launch. The test was delayed when North Korean military officials realized all they had left were two Roman candles and a Piccolo Pete.

Special Envoy Stephen Bosworth spoke at the Korea Society in New York, telling the audience that the United States has no plans to invade North Korea, but instead encourages them to rejoin the six-party talks to facilitate North Korea's re-entry into the world community. He said regime-change is a thing of the past. The U.S. would rather extend an open hand of friendship to the government of Kim Il-Jong. North Korean representatives agreed in principle, but cautioned that such things can only be taken in small, careful steps. For now, North Korea will extend only one finger at a time.

Taliban forces in Pakistan have launched a terrorist offensive following the massive Pakistani army battle in the Swat Valley last week and the popular uprising by three villages that forced Talibani into the hills. The level of violence is sure to rise in the coming weeks and many Pakistanis are bracing themselves for the degradation and privation of having to share travel accommodations with all the journalists.

Convicted "shoe bomber" Richard Reid has had to be force-fed by prison officers after having gone on a hunger strike. He began the strike to protest prison officials refusing to let him practice some tenets of his Sunni Muslim faith. The warden of Supermax prison near Denver, CO has continued to deny Reid a suicide bomb vest.

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES: Korea-Fu, Obama's Adieu, Mortgage Execs in DooDoo

2009-06-07T12:30:00.000-07:00

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES Column June 9
KOREA-FU, OBAMA’S ADIEU, MORTGAGE EXECS IN DOODOO

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is promising a "very hard look" at returning North Korea to the list of countries that support terrorism. In addition to giving the country the stink eye, she also plans a "meaningful glance", a "wrinkled brow", and possibly a "frustrated sigh" if necessary.

The carrot-and-stick approach to North Korea has not yielded positive diplomatic results in restraining the country's recent saber-rattling. Once the United Nations removes the carrot, Beloved Leader Kim Il-Jong has given permission for his people to eat the stick.

Al Gore has offered to travel to North Korea to lend his support to two CurrentTV correspondents on trial for spying. Seriously, how much punishment does North Korea deserve?

During his speech in Normandy commemorating the 65th anniversary of the D-Day landings embattled British Prime Minister Gordon Brown referred to Omaha Beach as "Obama Beach". Vice President Joe Biden called Brown afterward and warned him that there wasn't enough room in Obama's administration for two second-bananas who garble speeches.

The President and Mrs. Obama were able to spend a little time in the City of Lights before heading back home. They visited Notre Dame, the Pompidou Center, and then had dinner near the Eiffel Tower. The French were thrilled to host an American President that didn't order a hamburger and Freedom Fries.

Newt Gingrich said on Sunday’s Face the Nation that the President cannot make changes the country needs alone, but needs the help of other elected official. Dang it, he’s been reading the Constitution again.

Gingrich is considering a run at the presidency in 2012 if he decides he can effectively govern the nation. Someone tell Newt that voters might have to weigh in on that decision too.

Besides, why would he have to decide if he could govern effectively? That never stopped anyone before.

The SEC lawsuit against Countrywide Financial Corp. bosses hinges on a series of e-mails from chief risk officer John P. McMurray detailing the potential dangers in their portfolio and practices. Most damning was the revelation that potential loan officers were chosen based on their skill playing Jenga.

Alternative medical treatments such as aromatherapy, Reiki and herbalism are gaining acceptance from Americans who have grown to distrust government safeguards and misleading marketing from major pharmaceutical firms. That's because everybody knows that there are no hucksters the dietary supplement industry.

Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe is calling on the other members of the Common Market for Eastern and Southern Africa (COMESA) to stop violence and come together to increase trade between their countries and the rest of the world. He said the decade of war and civil strife has shrunk their industry and workforce. In fact, the only employers that offer lifetime employment any more are the warlords.

He encouraged his fellow COMESA ministers to develop trade between their countries rather than exporting all their raw materials to the European Union and other outside entities. The proposal was well received. Discussions began immediately to decide which country would manufacture bullets and who would build gun factories.

OBAMA TO MUSLIMS- GET ALONG. FRENCH TO QUEEN- BUGGER OFF

2009-06-05T21:14:00.000-07:00

A State Department employee and his wife have been indicted for spying for Cuba for more than 30 years. They allegedly gave economic secrets to the Castro government. Like why does Billy Mays yell on his commercials?

The two weren't paid very well by Cuba. In thirty years they earned a few thousand dollars and a 1980's era radio. To make ends meet, the couple had to hold car washes and bake sales...then sent the proceeds to Havana.

There is fear that the recent thaw in Cuban-American trade relations will come under more scrutiny by Congress in the wake of the spy scandal. But it's too soon to tell. After all, somebody has to buy all those unsold Chryslers.

President Obama visited Cairo and gave a speech that lasted almost an hour, stressing the commonality between the West and the Muslim world. Some Muslims were disappointed. It's a cultural thing. A political speech that lasts only an hour seems more like a blurb.

Throughout it all the Israelis are feeling just a little picked on. In Cairo, Obama called for Israel to stop expanding and allow the Palestinians to create a homeland, told Muslims that Iran, which has pledged the destruction of Israel, has the right to have atomic weapons, then on to Buchenwald where Jews were murdered by the Nazis. Already Jewish Democrats are painting their doorjambs with lamb's blood in anticipation of Obama's re-election fundraisers.

A notable oversight was the failure of French President Sarkozy to invite Queen Elizabeth to the 65th anniversary of the D-Day landing in Normandy. Britons took offense to the insult toward the only living head of state that actually served in World War II. London restaurants are advertising their salad niccoise will be topped with ingrated cheese.

Doctors are exploring a new technique for the treatment of obesity. Instead of surgery into the abdomen to staple the stomach, doctors perform the procedure through a tube inserted orally. It is showing great promise. Of course, weight-loss is longer lasting when the doctors leave the tube in.

A recent study shows that Tourette"s Syndrome affects white kids more than any other group. Pass by any high school and it is obvious the syndrome is extremely common to all teen aged boys.

Also-ran Internet sensation Susan Boyle received consolation from a Russian ultra-nationalist right-wing party leader Vladimir Zhirinovsky in an open letter on the party's website. In the letter, Zhirinovsky said his Liberal Democratic Party (which in actuality is neither liberal, democratic or much fun) shares her problem- popular but never seem to win. Maybe a medley of Andrew Lloyd Webber next time, Vladimir?

Vladimir Putin agrees that the LDPR is a lot like Boyle; slightly off, not much to look at, lacking balance and ready for a "rest" in an institution. Right now he is dispatching:"talent scouts" to Party members for "auditions". Wink, wink.

Today is National Donut Day. Rest assured, this is the one day of the year when there will never be an epidemic of blue flu from the cops on June 5. Ever.

JUDGES, GM AND JOLTIN' JOE

2009-06-02T19:29:00.000-07:00

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES Column June 3, 2009

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor is making the rounds with senators who will decide whether she will soon sit on the bench. She's meeting with ten senators a day for closed-door meetings. With summer beginning in Washington, staffers are grateful for all the doors fanning the air in the corridors of the Senate building.

The senators grilled Sotomayor about her ability to render judgments based upon the law of the land rather than her personal history. It was tense and nerve-wracking for Sotomayor to answer in-depth questions about her rulings, her legal philosophy and her education. All she'd brought with her were her tax returns.

General Motors, being dismantled by President Obama's wunderkind 31-year-old Brian Deese, will hand over it's Hummer line to a Chinese company that manufactures plastics and resins. The move is pure synchronicity. A pre-graduate from Yale Law school who's never had any experience in the car business selling a car business to a company that's never had any experience in the car business. Now that's an example of Obama's audacity of hope.

Next on the list are GM's Saturn and Saab lines. Several buyers for both have expressed interest in buying them. The leading candidates: a dentist in Stuttgart and a Russian 3-card-monte player in Gdansk.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney told an interviewer that he has no problem with same-sex marriages. All across the nation emergency rooms were inundated with progressive liberals complaining of whiplash.

Al-Qaida's number two man Ayman al-Zawahri blasted President Obama's visit to Cairo, saying it showed that the American leader was no different than his predecessor in dealing with corrupt dictators. But he's wrong. When President Bush visited Middle Eastern leaders, he brought tanks for a gift. President Obama brought an I-Pod with Barry Manilow's greatest hits.

Al-Qaida is worried that Obama will attract Muslims to him through his charm and eloquence. Public relations are not a particular strong suit for the terrorist organization, and they are casting wide for a consultant who can show them how to win hearts and minds. They offer a good salary and excellent bonuses for successful results, but their severance package....yikes!

North Korean Leader Kim Jong Il is apparently grooming his third son Kim Jong Un to take over the reigns of the government in the near future. Government functionaries are now referring to the shy and unassuming student who went to Swiss boarding schools as Our Commander Kim. It’s enough to turn a young man’s head. Sure beats his frat house name- Hey, Puffy-boy.

Meanwhile the military is scheduling not one but two missile tests in the coming week. Both are long-range rockets set to launch from both coasts simultaneously. Oh, by the way, what happened to Kim’s two older brothers?

Oh.

Members of the Obama Administration announced that there has been some improvement in the economic picture. Vice President Biden told an audience that there is a “solid hint” of stabilization while Deputy Treasury Secretary Neal Wolin characterized it as “whisper-soft but quilted for extra strength”.

At the same speech, Vice President Biden told the crowd that it was expected that some of the record-setting stimulus money would be wasted in the hurry to contain the economic collapse. He acknowledged that mistakes would be made, and that “some people are being scammed already.” Most Americans thought that the minute the Government announced the bailout plan.

http://screamingyellownews.blogspot.com
6:56 PM 6/2/2009

Hypocrisy Without Boundries

2009-06-02T13:36:00.000-07:00

have you ever noticedthat only LIBERALSask your... by jekitchell
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The Battle Continues

2009-06-02T13:33:00.000-07:00

148 by jekitchell
Make a Customized Tee Shirt online at Zazzle.com

LUCKY, PLUCKY AND JUST DUCKY

2009-05-31T12:40:00.000-07:00

ABC featured a segment on a cat named Lucky who fell 26 stories and lived. It wasn't an accident, though. Lucky had just looked at his retirement portfolio.

Window washers in an adjacent building captured the whole incident on a cell phone camera. Nothing, no matter how trivial, can escape the eye of the camera these days. Except Bigfoot...Yeti...the Loch Ness monster...Joe Biden...

Eight years after 9/11 U.S. Customs and Border Protection is finally toughening border crossing rules. Beginning June 1 travelers will need a passport or high-tech identification documents to cross both the northern and southern borders. Canadians are especially put out by the new restrictions. Now it is as complicated to visit the United States as it is to visit Quebec.

Some Americans bemoan the end of quick and easy jaunts across the borders. Do you know how hard it will be to get a fake I.D. to hit the bars on Spring Break?

Internet sensation Susan Boyle ended up in second place in Britain's You've Got Talent competition. Her loss may have been due to her expletive-laced meltdown in front of paparazzi days before the final competition. But she's handling it well, thanks to the support and advice of industry professionals Liza Minelli, Sinead O'Connor, Brittany Spears and Lindsey Lohan.

Boyle can now return to her quiet life. No more hounding by the paparazzi, no more mobs of adoring fans, no more internet buzz. She's even started working on that unibrow again.

Republican Senator Kay Baily Hutchinson is calling on her GOP colleagues to move away from racial undertones in their examination of the Supreme Court Justice nominee. She says that Sonia Sotomayor should be judged on her court records rather than her racist and sexist comments.

President Obama defended his nominee, suggesting that had she had the chance, she would go back and change her comment that she could make decisions better than old, white men. Sotomayor seconded the idea. She said she would have said she could make better decisions than old, white Republican men.

Cuban-American relations are thawing a bit. The Obama Administration is conducting talks with Cuban officials about normalizing trade and travel between the two countries. It's about time. People in the United States have forgotten how to make a really good Cuba Libre.

Americans from all walks of life are anxious to open trade with Cuba. There are several Italian-American businessmen who lost business properties when Castro took over. They want the clubs back in operation, now that Las Vegas is turning into Disneyland.

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geither is working hard to convince the Chinese that we really do want closer economic ties with their country. He is trying to convince them that Capitalism and Communism can co-exist to benefit both countries. The Chinese are open to hearing his spiel. The may still see the U. S. as Capitalist Running Dogs, but at least we are their Capitalist Running Dogs.

Geither might have to ladle on the schmooz to get the Chinese to widen the trade door. His strategy is to be Eddie Haskell to China's Mrs. Cleaver.

It might work. Leave It To Beaver was never broadcast in China during the Cultural Revolution so they won't have a clue they're being played.

GAY MARRIAGE AND THE NUCLEAR OPTION

2009-05-28T06:41:00.000-07:00

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES Column
6:33 AM 5/28/2009

Retired Marine Corps Commandant James Jones rebutted former Vice President Dick Cheney's claim that the United States is less secure under the present administration than under George Bush. Jones is a tough old leatherneck. How tough? He invited Cheney to go hunting with him.

The United States traded barbs with North Korea following the latest missile launch and nuclear bomb test. North Korea stated that any interference with their cargo ships will be interpreted as an act of war and they will act accordingly against South Korea. Hillary Clinton responded with an audible gasp and a severe finger-wagging, adding a stern look afterwards.

Korean dictator Kim joon-ill may have blinked today. Thousands of North Koreans cheered and waved flags with patriotic fervor at Kim's inspiring movements. Korea-watchers were force to revise their estimates of Kim's imminent demise.

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates joined Secretary of State Clinton in the Far East to reassure Asian allies that the United States would remain at their side in the event of a Korean attack. Figuratively speaking, of course.

Russia and China both issued statements of condemnation at North Korea's sabre-rattling. Neither country wants the blame for encouraging a military confrontation with the West. Especially the Chinese. They're holding a lot of I.O.U."s from Uncle Sam.

President Obama's choice for the Supreme Court is a 52-year-old Latina Sonya Sotomayor. GOP opposition will tread lightly, not wanting to be seen as bigoted against Hispanics, or women, or people who grew up in Bronx projects. That only leaves her judicial record to go on. Boy, is that going to be an awful dull confirmation hearing.

So far, CNN, FOX and MSNBC have not bothered to schedule any live broadcasts of the hearings, planning only to run occasional spots during their regular shows...unless there's a really cool high-speed freeway chase gong on.

David Kennedy, chief executive of the Committee on Climate Change has warned that lamb should be abolished from menus because sheep belches are a leading cause of methane, a greenhouse gas. He recommends people change their lifestyles to a more vegan diet. Hmmm...but aren't sheep vegan?

The California Supreme Court ruled that voter-approved state constitutional amendment Prop 8 would stand. The fallout from gays and their supporters, including four State Legislators and the Attorney General, is heart-felt and sincere. Already they are making plans to continue the fight through the courts and at the ballot box. The issue is like the brother-in-law who visits for the weekend and then just won't go home.

Supporters of Gay Marriage have taken many different tacks to garner support for Gay Rights. They invoked science, logic, sympathy and assimilation, but the soft approach isn't working. Extremists are pushing for a new symbol for their movement to replace the rainbow flag- an overturned burning BMW.

Former State Senate leader Don Perata has finally been cleared of corruption charges from the Justice Department. The kickback probe has been ongoing for almost five years. I'll bet Perata would have liked term limits on that investigation.

Governor Schwarzenegger has appointed actress Bo Derek to the state horseracing commission. Most voters did not know California had a horseracing commission. Some voters did not know who Bo Derek was. They had to look her up in the People Magazine's Whatever-Happened-To issue.

TOLERANCEIS NOTACCEPTANCE by jekitchell
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KOREANS/IRANIANS MAKING MISCHIEF

2009-05-25T21:46:00.000-07:00

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES
7:38 PM 5/25/2009
by J. E. Kitchell

North Korea tested a large underground nuclear device this weekend, causing concern in neighboring countries. The Japanese are especially shaken. First it was the missile test over the Sea of Japan and now this. Already the word is out that they are actively looking for Godzilla to come to their rescue.

President Obama issued a statement about the test. He told the North Koreans they need to stop their nuclear program immediately or else. It's not clear whether United Nations troops are ready for another war so soon after Iraq and Afghanistan. The contingent from Luxembourg played rock-paper-scissors to see with one of them will go.

The President also played the diplomatic card, offering President Kim jong ill a chance to spend a couple of days in the outdoors, in the hopes that by spending a little time together, tensions between the two countries would temper. Kim didn't fall for it, though. You don't have to be particularly paranoid to want to avoid quail hunting with Dick Cheney.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi made a surprise visit to China this weekend. At least it was a surprise to her. All she said was she wanted to go out for a little Chinese on the way home. Leon Panetta swears there are transcripts of the meeting where dinner was discussed with the Speaker and Beijing was mentioned..

Pelosi might have actually been relieved to be out of Washington and the whole brouhaha with the CIA, but the Chinese delegation that met her was less than thrilled. Every time they started to translate what she said, she stopped them and clarified her statement. It took forty minutes to tell them to take her bags to her room.

Iran launched six warships into international waters, a first for the Iranian Navy. Their mission was two-fold: show the gulf states an example of Iranian power, and to protect Iranian cargo ships from pirates. Reactions were mixed. Israel claimed the move was provocative and aggressive and the country went on full alert. The Somali pirates carried on as usual, secure in the knowledge that no Navy Seal sharpshooters were aboard the vessels.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad challenged President Obama to a debate in the United Nations. He's just responding to Obama's invitation to sit down and discuss ways of reducing tensions in the Middle East. First, though, before they delve too deeply into the arcane intricacies of international trade, banking and diplomacy, they need to get past that little thing called wiping Israel off the face of the earth. It's a conversation-stopper.

The United States has lost some authority in the General Assembly of the U.N., but if anybody can restore America's place in the world, it's Obama. He has a secret plan to help him if he decides to meet Ahmadinejad. All he has to do to score points on the world stage is to make sure he and the Iranian President use the same lectern. Few things will dampen one's international credibility more than to have to stand tippy-toe to harangue and threaten.

Newest Political Shirt design

2009-05-25T12:57:00.001-07:00

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES Column May 24

2009-05-24T12:15:00.000-07:00

Al Gore spoke at the World Business Summit on Global Change, urging CEOs to invest heavily in technology to reduce greenhouse gasses, despite the worldwide economic downturn. He spoke with urgency, passion and conviction, pressing the corporations to make their decisions. You can’t blame him. The time for action is now. His fifteen minutes in the candlelight is just about up.

His employment in companies that will benefit financially from his huckstering of global warming may seem a little self-serving, but a guy’s gotta make a buck somehow, and the Government pension barely pays his electric bill.

Outside the summit anti-globalization protestors marched against multi-national corporations They believe that the wealthy few hold too much power, and both wealth and power should be distributed among the poor. Gore believed that too, until he found a way to become wealthy and powerful. Now his political philosophy is “I got mine, and I’m going to get yours too.”

The Speaker of the House now avoids reporters and refuses to give any more statements on the CIA torture issue. She’s decided she’s said enough, and she’s right. If you want to know what happened, you now have a choice of half-a-dozen versions from which to choose.

The Vice President was relieved, though, to have some of the media attention for gaffes taken from him for a while. It gave him a chance to soak his feet before putting them back into his mouth.

The GOP has been enjoying the epidemic of Democratic Foot-in Mouth disease lately. They consider it payback for eight years of Democrats making fun of President George Bush and his Bushisms. But observers caution the Republicans from trying to take advantage of the moment. Already there is a legislation proposed that would prohibit making fun of Democrats. It is an amendment to the Americans with Disabilities Act.

Detroit City Councilperson JoAnn Watson paid just $68 in property taxes on her downtown property, provoking an investigation of the Assessor’s office. Similar properties average $2000 to $6500 in taxes. Ms. Watson said she thought the drop in the assessment was due to damage from a tornado she said hit in either 1993 or 2002. Well, either that or something else that might have happened at some point, somewhere around here. Um…she’ll get back to us on that some time….maybe.

State governments are looking hard for new sources of tax income to help salvage busted budgets. California is considering legalizing marijuana and Reuters is reporting they envision a $50 an ounce tax on the weed. Oregon, not to be outdone, is contemplating a $98 an ounce tax.

Kinda makes the cigarette taxes look generous, doesn’t it?

Sin taxes are a favorite target for strapped state and local governments. Georgia is looking at a $5 tax on stripper fans, Virginia might begin taxing hotel movie rentals and California increasing sales tax on porn. What are they trying to do, put sex back into the privacy of one’s own home?

Authorities in Alaska are cracking down on Charley Vandergaw, the recluse who has been hand-feeding bears at his isolated cabin for twenty years. The Anchorage District Attorney has charged Vandergaw with twenty counts of illegally feeding wild game.They’re afraid the man will end up like former wildlife advocate Timothy Treadwell, who, along with his girlfriend, were eaten by the “tame” bears they communed with. But Vandergaw isn’t worried. He’s counting on the individualistic Alaskan public to support his cause against the intrusive government. And, failing that, he’s got a plan for escaping jail- if he can only train one of the bears to drive his getaway car.

Steppin' out- Steppin' in it

2009-05-23T19:09:00.000-07:00

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES Column May 23
May 23, 2009 by jekitchell
» Former South Korean President Roh Moo-hyun leapt to his death, leaving a suicide note explaining his shame for being accused of accepting bribes. Americans were stunned at the news. Not that he committed suicide. They were shocked at a politician that felt shame.
» That would never happen in America. Being investigated for illegal acts here would get you a book contract and your own television show.
» The Nancy Pelosi/CIA battle continues, with the Speaker of the House insisting the CIA lied to her and Leon Panetta defending the Agency’s reputation for telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth whenever it’s absolutely- sometimes- occasionally- on a need to know- eyes- only basis.
» It is a fine line they are walking in trying to reveal secret documents on the subject of torture/enhanced interrogation techniques. On the one hand, sound decisions can only be made when all the facts are studied. On the other hand, revealing techniques only serves to help potential enemies counter-train their operatives in the future. Congress and the CIA are both struggling with the most important priorities of the issue: What will help them keep their job.
» The Speaker is not getting much support from fellow Congressmen in her fight with the CIA. Even the Secret Service has given her a new code name: Jason Bourne.
» President Obama and former Vice President Dick Cheney both gave speeches on the subject of National Security this week. Watchers debated which gave the best speech. Obama won hands down for eloquence, inspiration and diction. Cheney scored for penetrating analysis, steadfast logic and biting sarcasm. He scored extra points for using no expletives and not shooting anyone.
» All of the California Propositions went down in defeat in this week’s special election. Voters were handed the disastrous budget to solve and overwhelmingly nixed tax increases, service cuts, money shuffling, financial finagling, political wrangling, public relation contretemps, and media manipulation. Now state legislators can settle down and get back to normal: making secret back-room deals out of the public eye.
» Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger now has to decide whether to follow through with his threat to fire thousands of state workers and add more furlough days to the rest. The solution will be difficult and elusive. He and the State Legislators must work night and day, forsaking personal comforts, focused with single-minded intensity,consider every option, and think outside the box to fix this nightmare in time for the 2010 election campaign season.
» County and city governments aren’t immune. The State plans to raid local coffers to fill gaps in the budget and nobody is happy about it. School is nearly out for the year and summer recreation programs are being cancelled for lack of funding. What will the kids do all summer? Hey, my lawn needs mowing….
» Some teachers are getting pink slips at the end of this school year because districts say they are broke. The districts have had to contract a well-known consulting firm to help them figure out why they have no money.

Posted in humor, current events, news satire, bi-weekly | No Comments »

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES

2009-05-19T20:30:00.000-07:00

A recent investigation found that hundreds of airplane mechanics in the United States cannot read or write English, the language in which repair manuals and maintenance reports are written. Next time you fly in an airliner, check and see if the flight crew are wearing parachutes

The problem is economic- trained airplane mechanics earn upwards of $35 an hour, while day laborers can make only $10 an hour. Not to mention that all those expensive tools and parts.

Maybe it's part of a plan to begin raising rates. Hey, if you don't want the door to fall off at 30,000 feet, you can pay the "I won't fall out of the sky" surcharge..

The Senate voted to check credit card rate increases and excessive fees. Now, they didn't vote to put a cap on the interest rates, just made the credit card companies let you know ahead of time that they are going to clobber you. And not right away. The law doesn't take effect for another year, so there's plenty of time to make the credit-burdened public cough up more dough. That's the way to lean on 'em, you stalwart defenders of the working man.

Los Angeles was shaken by a 4.1 magnitude aftershock today following this week's earthquake. Some people say the Governor is going too far by creating earthquakes to scare voters into passing his budget propositions.

Polls are showing that although voter turnout is going to be sparse, most of the propositions will go down in defeat, which throws the solution to California's disasterous budget back at the Legislature and the Governor. More wrangling, more arguing, more finagling over the most important matter on their agenda- will they be able to maintain their per diem?

They will have to sit down in Sacramento Wednesday and figure out whether to slash state employee rolls or pile on even more taxes and fees to begin fixing the state budget. The choices are difficult and frought with deadly pitfalls. Whatever decisions they make they are going to have to face the voters and somehow convince them that their decisions are in the best interests of everyone and for the future of the State. It's the equivalent of Baskin Robbins replacing their 31 flavors with boiled cauliflower.

The times demand that Californians pull together in shared sacrifice, foregoing expectations and accepting reduced living standards to get us all back on track. In some neighborhoods, rumor has it the pool man will also have to cut the grass. Hard times, my friend.

Archeaologists have discovered what may be the fossil of the "missing link". A 47,000,000 year-old skeleton of a pre-primate with four legs, a tail and opposing thumbs is being exhibited to interested scientists around the world. Reconstruction by forensic sculptors suggest that the creature may be Senator Robert Byrd.

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES

2009-05-19T06:56:00.000-07:00

Vice President Joe Biden denies that he gave away the secret location of Dick Cheney's bunker hideout at the recent Gridiron Dinner. He maintains that it can't be much of a secret when anyone can buy a map of Washington D.C. with the exact location of the Old Naval Observatory with a red arrow pointing to the bunker?

Of course, just to be safe, Biden will be bunking with some unnamed friends at undisclosed locations for the rest of his term.

He has already called the Speaker of the House for some pointers on backtracking public statements.

President Obama just shrugged off the latest Biden gaffe. He sees the Vice President as his number one key to job security.

While overseas, the President met with Israeli President Netanyahu and they discussed the Palestinian situation, Middle East peace and Iranian nuclear ambitions. Netanyahu was noncommittal on all the issues for fear of alienating his political base. It's hard to believe anyone would play politics with...uh... national security...um...issues...oh never mind.

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geither told the Nation's CEO's aren't going to have to worry about the government putting limits on the amount of money they can earn. It was a bad idea anyway. Who would want to serve a brunch of roasted Golden Goose?

A U.N. report has been issued warning that the poor will suffer more from global-warming-induced weather extremes. One example they cite is the 19 million people in greater Manilla living in shanty towns who would be swamped should the city be hit by a tsunami. Apparently, swamping 19 million people in nice homes would be preferable.

At the Cannes Film Festival controversial director Lars von Trier's disturbing film "Antichrist" shocked the jaded audience and drew boos and jeers when it ended. Von Trier was not bothered with the audience reaction. "I don't make movies for the audience. I make them for myself." he said. That should make it more challenging for him to find investors for his next film when ROI is DOA.

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES May 18

2009-05-18T06:31:00.000-07:00

AIG CEO Edward Liddy told 60 Minutes the company is trying to pay back the American public, acknowleging that the company has "a unique place" in public opinion. Unique? Hardly. AIG shares a spot in public opinion with Osama Bin Ladin, Adolf Hitler and Black Death

Liddy added that AIG is doing the best they can to repay the taxpayers. He said if the economy really turns sour, the "have a plan." Oh great. I hope it's a better plan than the one they had when they collapsed and cost the taxpayers almost $200 billion.
.
President Obama wants to show the Conservatives and Moderates that he can be just as tough on National Security issues as his predesessors, and hopes his stance on Gitmo and terrorist interrogations will give him an in to find some middle ground with his opponents in Congress. Liberals are livid. What next? they ask, Dick Cheney for vice president?

Compromise is the grease that runs the machine of Government. Politics is the sand thrown into the gears.

The repair mission on the Hubble Telescope is proving more difficult than they originally planned. Stuck bolts, dead battery. Maybe they should have called NAS-AAA.

Archaeologists are investigating whether the Navajo Indians could have used smoke signals to warn of approaching enemies. Seeking out mountaintop positions and using special flares, the scientists are testing the theory that signals could have been rapidly spread through the region in times of crisis.Arnold Schwarzenegger is watching the results. He may have found another way to spread the alarm about the state budget.

As the California Special Election gets closer unions representing teachers, correctional officers and service employees are pushing hard for favorable concessions and financial guarantees from the state in case the outcome of the election forces them to make cutbacks and givebacks. They shouldn't worry, though. The only thing with more pull than the unions on the politicians in Sacramento is gravity.

Governor Schwarzenegger has been taking every opportunity to play Chicken Little about the State Budget, warning that collapse is imminent unless voters do exactly what he says. But voters aren't listening. They must think they are State Legislators.

It might have been a bad idea to throw the budget solutions to the voters rather than dealing with it in the Capitol. Folks might start thinking that we don't need full-time Legislators. After all, if they had to spend half the year making a living under the same rules as the rest of us, they'd spend the other half of the year making it easier.

If ever a politician makes a campaign promise that he or she, if elected, will just sit in their office and do nothing, they'd have my vote.

The Queen of England is somewhat perturbed at the scandal brewing involving her Prime Minister. Word is she might take him out to Ye Olde Woodshed for a flogging.

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES COLUMN May 15, 2009

2009-05-15T20:57:00.000-07:00

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES
Items From Around and About by J. E. KITCHELL

May 15, 2009
· President Obama has changed his mind about ending the military tribunals slated for terror suspects, much to the dismay of his Democratic supporters. Hey, he promised change, didn’t he?
· General Motors will cut loose 1,100 dealers nationwide. The domestic automobile industry is in real trouble, losing dealers while imports flood into the country. The Miracle Mile is about to become the Miracle Kilometer.
· Sixty Senators voted No on a bill that would limit the amount of interest a credit card could charge consumers to 15%. The credit card companies may continue to make billions of dollars on high-interest consumer cards. That’s good news. We just can’t afford to bail out another industry.
· More bad economic news. The Social Security Trust Fund will run out of money no later than 2037 unless something is done immediately. The Congressional Budget Office suggested raising the retirement age. They figure if Americans put off retiring until they are 115...
· The White House is hard at work on the problem too. President Obama plans to change the meaning of the word ‘Trust’. From now on, ‘Trust’ will be defined as ‘a meaningless, random set of letters signifying emptiness and nothingness’.
· The British Government is reeling from a scandal involving the Prime Minister and others using government funds for internet porn. That’s one of the differences between Britain and America- their crooked pols come a lot cheaper than ours.
· The Republicans are attacking Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, trying to weaken her authority, and by extension the Democrats, by proving she knew all along that waterboarding was one of the interrogation techniques. Their goal is to prove the Democrats are just as guilty of lying, corruption and ignorance as the Republicans. Maybe the GOP should try to set their goals a little higher.
· It’s not like most voters don’t already know it. The only person who thinks a politician is pure, honest and honorable probably gave birth to him.
· The White House keeps sending Congressional Democrats the message that they should be looking forward instead of backward, but the Congress is not listening. Being handed the reins of power for them is like giving a kid the keys to the candy store. Next thing you know, you’re in a daze with goo leaking out the corners of your mouth and vowing never to do it again.
· If it were up to the Democrats, they would have had Bush become President for Life just so they could beat him up forever. That was the one thing they all could agree on.
· Former Vice President Dick Cheney request for transcripts of CIA interrogation briefings was turned down. He told them he didn’t want them for political purposes. He just wanted some light bedtime reading material.
· Former Vice President Al Gore tut-tutted Cheney for remaining in the political arena after leaving office, telling his listeners he waited two years before making critical remarks at the sitting administration. It must be noted that to this day no one has taken anything he has said seriously.

SOUNDED LIKE A COOL IDEA DEPARTMENT

2009-05-08T19:34:00.000-07:00

OBAMA AID FALLS ON SWORD FOR BOSS

ACCEPTS PRE-WRITTEN RESIGNATION LIKE A GOOD SOLDIER FROM COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF

May Need Post-Traumatic Rehab After All Shakes Out

Former Army Secretary Louis Caldera fell resigned from the Obama Administration following the ill-fated photo-op he approved of Air Force One flying low over Manhattan. The stunt sent panicked New Yorkers running into the streets.

Caldera explained in the pre-written resignation letter that he did not fully recognize the potential effects on the low-flying airplane on the still-jittery population, was not aware that the plan was fully operational at that point in time, failed to fully read e-mails on the matter, missed other e-mails because he has more than one official e-mail address and he was doped up on pain pills and couldn't make a rational decision.

He insists he made the New York city and state governments aware of the stunt, but the FAA insisted that it be kept secret, for reasons that have not come to light.

The president cut Caldera loose quickly, hoping that by serving his head on a platter, the whole embarrassing story would fade away. Critics point out that even if the idea had been a good one, which it wasn't, the cost of $35000 for the fuel alone and a total of $345000 for publicity of the world's best known airplane in a time of government belt-tightening seems unnecessary.

MIS-SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE DEPARTMENT

2009-05-08T18:45:00.000-07:00

PELOSI REISSUES DENIAL OF WATERBOARDING KNOWLEDGE

PAPER TRAIL SHOWS SHE WAS IN THE KNOW

CAN'T SHAKE THE FEELING THAT TRUTH COMMISH WILL ACTUALLY SHOW THE TRUTH

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi felt compelled to issue yet another clarification regarding what she knew about the interrogation methods used on terrorist suspects and when she knew them.

Pelosi issued yet another press release to the media insisting she was not completely aware of the scope of the methods used, including waterboarding.

After calling for a 'truth commission' to persecute former Bush-era functionaries, the Justice Department released formerly classified memos detailing both the range of interrogation methods and notes about explanatory meetings conducted to Congressional committee members in which they were briefed about the treatment of prisoners.

Pelosi has insisted that she was privy to only one meeting where the subject was discussed and that she was unaware that waterboarding was one of the methods used.

Yet memos indicate that she was briefed numerous times and that it was made clear what techniques would be used and why.

Party insiders speculate that Pelosi is desperate to distance herself from the issue now that the President has disapproved.

SAN BERDOO AFLAME- AWAITS GOV'S BIG PLAN

2009-05-08T06:27:00.001-07:00

STATE ANALYIST SAYS CAL GOING BROKE

GOVERNOR THREATENS CUTBACKS IN SERVICES

Sure, buddy, we've heard that one before

Despite Federal bailout money it expects, the State of California is still slated to pile up a $2o billion deficit in the coming year, the State Legislative Analyst's office said today.

Borrowing the money will be a chore because California is already deep in red ink and its budget is a nightmare of confusion and division, voters, who will be voting on several budget propositions in the coming special elections, show no interest in bailing the State House from its responsibilities.

Although California raised taxes and fees to help balance the budget, cuts to salaries have been coming slowly despite threats from the Governor that if voters don't enact the propositions, he would have to cut firefighters ahead of the fire season. To underscore his message, a coincidental massive wild fire broke out in Santa Barbara County that is rapidly spreading through pricey neighborhoods.

Most State-funded workers and their unions actively support the propositions since they continue to fund their paychecks without cutting their workforce and their power. But all except the proposal to cut legislators salaries during economic slowdowns are polling negatively and may not pass in the election.

Still, the Legislators are reluctant to tighten their belts during the economic crisis. Job losses in the public sector are but a percentage of the job losses in the private sector, and mostly limited to new hires, part-timers and temp positions. No substantive job trimming is slated in the near future, as the State is banking on an end to the fiscal crisis soon.

THE FEAR OF ALL SUMS DEPARTMENT

2009-05-05T16:36:00.000-07:00

AIG UPGRADES BONUS TOTALS

NOT $9 MIL, NOT $120 MIL, BUT $242 MIL

Are you sure this time? No, really, really sure?

AIG official have come up with yet another figure for the bonuses given out to employees in 2008 while the company was going under and taking tax dollars from the Treasury.

AIG spokesman Nick Ashooh told Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-Md) that the latest figures for bonuses stood at $242 million, far outpacing the company's answer to the same question from POLITICO.com in March. At that time, AIG admitted bonuses totaled $120 million.

And that answer blew past the answer given a month earlier by CEO Edward Liddy before the House Financial Services Subcommittee when he told the committee members bonuses totalled "in the range of $9 million."

Ashooh told reporters the differences in the totals reported reflected the correct answer to the specific questions asked them. He said his office has answered "what they thought they were being asked."

In reality, AIG was asked a simple question: How much bonus money did they give out when they had run the company into the ground and taken bailout money from the United States government and taxpayers.

Ashooh's excuse: "It's complicated."

AIG's evasiveness leads some to believe that further revelations are possibly forthcoming.

PILING ON DEPARTMENT

2009-05-03T19:28:00.000-07:00

EDWARDS ADMITS HE IS TARGET OF FED PROBE

FORMER DEM CANDIDATE UNDER FIRE FOR CAMPAIGN FUND SHENANIGANS

Scorned Ex-Wife To Pen Tell-All Tome About Cancer, Two-Timing Man

7:27 PM 5/3/2009

Former Democratic Presidential Candidate and Attorney-General hopeful John Edwards faces a Federal investigation into his alleged misappropriation of political campaign monies paid to his mistress during the 2006 primary season.

His opponents accuse Edwards of using campaign funds for hush money to keep his affair quiet. More than $14000 was paid to Rielle Hunter to produce video footage of his campaign for future advertising and documentary purposes, but the footage has been characterized as 'equivalent in quality to the average vacation video.' The $14,000 payment was listed in the campaign records as 'furniture purchase'.
Edwards maintains his innocence of any wrongdoing with regard to the funds in question, although he was forced to admit his affair with Ms. Hunter after tabloid newspapers hounded him for months and major network media prepared to break the story. His admission of the affair while his wife suffered through cancer treatment effectively torpedoed his Presidential ambitions. He has since then maintained a low profile.
As if that isn't enough, his wife, Elizabeth, who is dying of terminal cancer, is soon releasing a book detailing both her cancer and her husband's affair and the effect both have had on her.
Despite a full-court defense of Edwards by the Democratic machine, no serious effort has been made to bring him back into the fold for a future run at any office.

B and B, CDC, POTUS AGREE- DON'T DO ANYTHING

2009-04-30T06:22:00.000-07:00

BIDEN, BESSER AGREE- NO POINT IN CLOSING BORDER

PRESIDENT SAYS 'LIKE CLOSING THE BARN DOOR...'

V.P Cautions His Own Family to Avoid Planes, Trains, Subways

Vice President Joe Biden made an appearence with acting director of the CDC Dr. Richard Besser and attempted to allay the fear of a swine flu pandemic in the United States.

The V.P. downplayed the precaution of border control and school closings, saying it would not make a difference at this point. He echoed the statement of the President, who quipped at his news conference that closing the borders is "like closing the barn doors after the horse has gone".

Biden says that closing the borders in response to the growing number of infectious people in the country would be just too complicated and difficult when it would be easier to close schools and postpone group meetings and events.

In other words- don't let this be an inconvenience to the free movement of people into the country, let it be an inconvenience to the people already here.

The U.S. g'overnment's emmasculated reaction to the threat goes against the rest of the world, where strict and stringent measures are being taken to contain the spread of the disease. Where Korea sets up monitors to detect anyone with a fever, Mexico closes gathering-places city wide and in Egypt tightens travel controls, the CDC and the Vice President agree- the best thing you can do is wash your hands.

Although the V.P. has cautioned his own family not to travel by plane or train, the CDC has no plans to issue a travel caution to the citizens at large, declaring it "too early" for such a step.

The WHO has already recommended several steps for countries to deal with the outbreak, namely travel restrictions and avoiding crowds.

YES, WE'RE CANNED

2009-04-29T18:21:00.000-07:00

MSNBC TO MAKE ROOM FOR BOARDERS

D.C. NEWS OPERATION SHRINKS, RENTS SPACE TO UNIVERSITY

Another Casualty of Dem Victory

The Washington, D. C. studios of WRC-TV, which houses NBC news and MSNBC becomes another casualty of cutbacks. They will be rennovating their studios and offices and making room for the media department of the University of Washington in an effort to continue a presence in the natiion's capitol.

Trailing in the cable ratings by an embarrassing margin since before the elections, MSNBC's powerhouse lineup of talking heads- Chris Matthews, Keith Oberman, Chris Todd and Rachel Maddox- have continually been beaten by the entire lineup of FOX news.

Many viewers were put off by what seemed to be blatent bias in their reporting of the election and the constantly annoying use of the high-tech telestrator board used by bureau chief Chris Todd as well as the heavily pro-Obama propagandizing by Matthews and the vicious anti-Bush bashing by Oberman and Maddox.

Senate Seat Shuffle

2009-04-28T19:27:00.000-07:00

SENATOR SPECTER TURNS COAT

SWITCHES PARTY TO GIVE DEMS A BOOST

"Hell, I thought he was a Democrat already"

Senator Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania joined the party of the Majority by switching his allegiance from Republican to Democrats in an attempt to hold onto his Senate seat in the upcoming 2010 elections.

Billing himself as a Centrist Republican, Specter faced a tough battle against Pat Toomey for the seat. Specter was thought to have no chance in the Republican primaries because of his liberal voting record recently concerning his support of the Stimulus bill rushed through Congress this session, which conservatives have decried.

Specter himself states that the Republican party has moved too far right and that his ideology more closely aligns with the Democratic party.

Okay, Mr. Credibility lost me in '63 with the Magic Bullet theory. Good luck to him.

YA GOTTA BE KIDDIN' ON THIS ONE

2009-04-27T19:24:00.000-07:00

KIDNAPPED SAILOR TO SUE SHIPPING LINE

SHIPS COOK SAYS COMPANY KNEW IT WAS DANGEROUS AND DID NOTHING TO PROTECT WORKERS.

Them's pyrates yonder Cap'n

Richard E. Hicks, the ship's cook aboard the Maersk Alabama is suing the owners of the vessel, Waterman Steamship Corp. for at least $75000, accusing the line of putting its sailors in harm's way by sailing near Somalia.

Hicks says the shippers should choose safer routes, arm sailors aboard the ships, add other safety measures such as barbed wire to prevent boarding and provide better training for such situations.

Perhaps the ship's cook should look for a different kind of work since sea travel has been dangerous since ships took sail. It couldn't be that he is just looking for a fat payday to retire from the kitchen, could it?

STUCK IN A TIME WARP...AGAIN

2009-04-27T05:53:00.000-07:00

LEFTIE DOC BLAMES BUSH FOR MINORITY HOME FORCLOSURES

SECOND-GENERATION LIB ACTIVISTS CONTINUE TREND IN LOOK BACK

First it was stuck in the Sixties, now the Nineties on the endless loop

Variety, the entertainment news of record, is reporting the release of a documentary AMERICAN CASINO, released by Table Rock Films, produced and directed by Leslie and Andrew Cockburn.

The flick explores the root of the current mortgage crisis with interviews with evil bankers and unfortunate minority homebuyers who were tricked, manipulated and conned into buying more house than they could afford.

The bankers admitted onscreen (although they were in shadow for obvious reasons) that they manipulated the numbers on the mortgages- inflating the worth of the homebuyers and deflating the numbers of the actual cost to the investors then quickly sold off the loans to investors and holding companies to make obscene profits with no risk.

The anti-Bush sentiment rears its ugly head when there is a scene where President Bush proudly announces the rise in minority home ownership.

This is another example of BushBashing from the leftielibs without regard for historical context. Anyone with any memory at all should recall that the leftielibs were howling about banks and mortgage companies being racist for not lending more blacks money for new homes and that their lapdogs in Congress, Barney Frank and the Black Caucus, pressured the industry to extend a hand to rectify this historical bias under threat of Congressional action.

Thus, the doors were opened to this economic freefall by the very persons who howl the loudest about the economic freefall, and they have no shame in blaming the former President once again for decisions made by the Left supposedly to help the less fortunate.

Natually, three "victims" of the unscrupulous bankers pour their hearts out bewailing the unfairness that they got the loans they sought but in the end they couldn't afford. Lack of due diligence plays into their plight, but then, that would smack of personal responsibility and the Left would never advocate for that sort of hogwash.

The leftielibs used to be stuck in the Sixties, endlessly replaying the glory days of protests against the Establishment, tearing down the rules of civilization and promoting licence over freedom (yes, there is a difference) Now, they are stuck in the Nineties, endlessly blaming all of the ills of the world on Bush.

2009-04-25T19:05:00.000-07:00

IMF TO SELL BONDS TO BUCK UP WORLD ECONOMIES

PLAN TO OFFER BONDS TO RICH COUNTRIES RATHER THAN EXTEND LOANS

Default on loans impossible, leads way to forclosure of poor countries

The World Bank and the International Monetary Fund is considering selling bonds to shore up teeterig economies in many developing countries rather than extend loans to them, it was announced today.

Countries such as China has expressed interest in buying up the bonds, and India and Brazil as well have pushed for the idea.

The bonds will replace long-term loans usually given to developing nations from advanced nations in Europe and North America.

Represenatives from struggling developing nations rallied for the idea, saying they "didn't want to be pushed around by advanced nations any more."

They seem to think owing China is preferable to owing Western nations.

Let's see how that works for them.

WTF HEADLINES FOR THE WEEK OF APRIL 24

2009-04-25T17:07:00.000-07:00

SWINE FLU PANDEMIC THREATENS U.S.

POLITICALLY CORRECT POLS OVERLOOK THE OBVIOUS

Is it possible epidemic terrorist plot?

Mexico City is virtually a ghost town as the central government has essentially shut down the largest city in the Western Hemisphere due to a virulent outbreak of swine flue.

The difficulty of pinning this virus down comes from the discovery that it is a mutation of three or more different flu strains, swine, avian and human. Such a mutation is a new wrinkle for the CDC and WHO who seek to contain the disease as quickly as possible.

Already the disease has spread from Mexico City to southern United States and as far away as Canada by returning tourists.

Conspiracy theorists are already jumping on this as a terrorist plot, reasoning that such a complicated mutation of disparite virus strains is not possible in nature.

S.F. MAYOR TO TOSS HAT IN GOV RING

COUNTING ON LEFTIE-LIBS FOR LANDSLIDE

Liberal San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom announced he will make a run at the Governor's office next year, hoping to replace Arnold Schwarzenegger's brand of centrist politics with his own hard Left leanings. He feels he has the support of the majority of California voters who traditionally vote Democratic and liberal in most elections.

His biggest hurdle, aside from a possible challenger from the Los Angeles basin, will be the overwhelming budget problems that is currently plaguing the current state government. Newsom is banking on the budget being under control, or at least off the headlines, in time for him to begin the liberal facelift of the state. Using environmental and social issues at his calling card, Newsom plans to positition himself well in front of liberal issues.

SUNSHINE AND SHINOLA DEPARTMENT

2009-04-23T05:43:00.000-07:00

PRESIDENT SIGNS $5 B VOLUNTEER BILL

AMERICORP TO PUT MILLIONS TO 'WORK'

"Hey, I've got nothing better to do with my time since I'm unemployed, the economy is so bad there isn't any other jobs out there, and the government isn't going to even try to bring back industry to this country"

President Obama signed a $5.7 Billion-dollar bill to fund the tripling of AmeriCorps to expand the network of national service volunteers in the United States.

Good timing too. With so many people out of work, well, idle hands are the Devil's workshop. By putting people to work, for free, many overlooked and underfunded jobs can be completed, such as cleaning blighted neighborhoods, playgrounds and roadsides.

Now, the questions are these:

How are these volunteers going to make their house payments, utilities, groceries and such while volunteering?

Why can't the administration put this much effort into allowing businesses to grow in this country, rather than growing another government program?

Who in the hell gets $5.7 billion of my dollars for volunteer work? Let them volunteer their own money, or better yet, work for free like the poor slobs are doing for them.

OBAMA TO SPEAK WITH CREDIT CARD COMPANIES

GOING TO STRAIGHTEN SOME THINGS OUT AROUND HERE

President Obama is scheduled to meet with the represenatives of the Credit Card industry this week to arm-twist them into changing some of their business practices such as predatory lending practices, interest rate changes and hidden fees.

According to the president, too many Americans have fallen prey to the unscrupulous practices of the credit card industry and they must be protected.

As for the card industry, the practice of raising interest rates on existing balances is the most shameful of their practices, and if the President simply stops that one, he will have gone the distance for many Americans who find themselves with double interest rate increases even after not missing any payments.

PELOSI AND FAR LEFT TO 'INVESTIGATE' BUSH DESPITE WHITE HOUSE ADMONITION

LEFTIE DEMS TO APPOINT SPECIAL PROSECUTOR TO ATTEMPT INDICTMENT OF BUSH-ERA LEGAL ADVISOR, CABINET AND V.P.

"MUST SATISFY BLOOD-LUST WITH EX POST FACTO RULINGS IF NECESSARY"

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi today called for a special investigator to delve into the legal opinion offered to the Bush Administration for justification of incarceration and interrogation of suspected Al Quaida operatives, despite repeated demurrers from President Obama.

Long-suffering liberals on the Far Left have been frustrated for months by the inability for any action to punish the Bush administration for alleged wrongs commited in the last eight years. Whining and wailing to no avail and actively discouraged by Obama's policy of looking forward instead of to the past has shown the lack of interest in such a show trial.

By setting such a precident, the speaker and the lefties will leave open the door to future purges and pogroms of Democratic administrations.

As always, there has been no thought of cause and effect within the Democratic party.

RHYMES WITH SNORE DEPARTMENT

2009-04-20T20:55:00.000-07:00

PREZ SEZ 'DON'T SWEAT IT. THE CAT IS OUT OF THE BAG ANYWAY'

CIA OPS TOLD THE ENEMY ALREADY KNOWS THEIR SUPER SECRET INTERROGATION TECHNIQUES LIKE WATERBOARDING, SLEEP DEPRIVATION AND ENDLESS MILLI VANILLI REPLAYS TO BREAK DOWN ENEMY COMBATANTS WITHOUT TRAMPLING THEIR CIVIL RIGHTS THAT THEY DON'T REALLY HAVE ANYWAY, SO WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL ABOUT PUBLISHING THEM OPENLY? HUH?

AGENTS APPLAUD OBAMA'S OPEN DOOR POLICY. SAY LIKE A BREATH OF FRESH AIR WITH HINT OF MINT.

President Obama spoke to agents of the CIA today about his decision to release Bush-era memos outlining various previously secret interrogation techniques now regarded as torture, including waterboarding, sleep deprivation, isolation, and non-lethal physical violence.

Speaking to the agents along with Leon Panetta, Obama assured them that they are the unsung heroes of the now-defunct War on Terror but that they should hold their heads high for the fine work they have performed so far. He told them that he realizes that they feel like they are working with one hand tied behind their back, but that such a position would be considered torture and would not be allowed.

After the speech, spokesmen for the rank and file CIA agents petitioned Congress to declare being forced to endure another such speech be labeled torture and be outlawed.

SUNDAY MORNING SWILL

2009-04-19T07:11:00.000-07:00

TREASURY STRESSING OVER STRESS TEST RESULTS

IT'S LOSE-LOSE FOR REGULATORS, BANKS, INVESTORS

The May 4th deadline for release of the Treasury Department's results of their financial stress tests for the nation's banks may be delayed until a decision is made on how to release the information.

The Office of the Comptroller of Currency wants to hide the results from the public eye and the Treasury is pushing for broad disclosure.

The problem for Treasury Secretary Tim Geither is that if some of the information shows certain banks in trouble, investors will leave in droves, crashing the already wounded institutions and leaving the Treasury holding the bag. If they cover up the troubled banks true situation, that will taint any credibility they have left.

The plan to go after the the big bad bankers for the sake of the sucker vote sounded good on paper but like a lot of leftie plans, it wasn't thought through thoroughly to its conclusion. Now they are in a position to, once again and certainly not for the last time, to say 'whoops' and try to skate on.

Stop helping us would be a big help.

ENVIRONMENTAL REGS TRUMP 'GREEN' POWER SOURCE

OH, THE IRONY IS ON THE FIRE NOW

The Obama Administration's full-throated plan to create sustainable green power for America to reduce our consumption of fossil fuels and create millions of green jobs to save the economy ran into a roadblock of the Democrat Libs making when the National Park Service, acting under repressive ecological guidelines, denied the building of a solar panel array in the deserts of California, Nevada and Arizona.

The arrays and the massive construction of new high-voltage power lines would alter the ecosystem of indigenous species of desert tortoise, pupfish and threaten water drawdowns in the water-starved region.

The Liberal Left- bringing you complex solutions for simple problems.

MORE GREEN SOLUTIONS TURN BROWN

ETHANOL- THE FUEL NOBODY REALLY WANTS

Yet another much-touted solution to our fossil fuel consumption is running into an economic hurdle- nobody wants to buy it.

Ethanol, the corn-based fuel additive that was supposed to relieve the United States' dependency on foreign oil imports, has proven to be the boondoggle many on the right warned it would be.

Aside from taking massive amounts of food substance out of the mouths of hungry people around the world, the water-intensive, over-fertilized and over-hyped production of 'green' energy has yielded less than two percent of the fuel used in the country. Industry estimates that at full production, using every acre of corn possible, would only account for less than ten percent of the fuel needs of the United States.

At this point, with the economy faltering and energy prices worldwide ebbing, purchases of the government subsidized product is next to nothing and croppers are considering using their corn in food production once again.

When is a good idea not one?

GLOBALIZATION? UMMM...MAYBE NOT

Delta Air Joins Other Major Corps In Pulling Back Call Centers From Overseas As Customer Resistance Affects Bottom Line

Delta Airlines plans to close its overseas call centers in India due to widespread customer discontent in dealing with foreign-language operators in its reservations department.

Delta joins Sallie Mae and other major corportations in bringing their call centers back to the United States rather than risk further customer erosion.

It turns out that cheap overseas labor is really a money loser.

WELL...UM...MAYBE BUSH WAS RIGHT

2009-04-17T19:32:00.000-07:00

OBAMA WILL NOT PROSECUTE "TORTURERS"

Says "they were only following orders"

President Obama announced today that he will not prosecute government agents for "harsh" interrogation methods used, saying he will continue to investigate their superiors who ordered such techniques.

His left-wing supporters, who elected him under the premise that he would bring the "torturers" to justice, fumed and howled.

The President agreed that the need for immediate and expedited information gathering outweighed other concerns in the previous administration's war on terror. The agents accused of torturing were acting within the bounds of law according to the then Attorney General and thus could not be held accountable for their actions which they were assured were legal.

Attorney General Eric Holder also said that the Justice Department would defend any agent who faced any trial, in the U. S. or in a foreign court for their actions.

The Justice Department also withdrew secret memos outlining the various tactics used during interrogation, saying that to broadcast our techniques would only benefit our enemies.

So it turns out that for all the babbling the lefties did during the election, the President they counted on to take Bush and his administration to task has disappointed them once again.

2009-04-17T19:05:00.000-07:00

EPA TO IMPOSE ECONOMIC NIGHTMARE

TIGHTER STANDARDS FOR AUTOS, FACTORIES MEANS U.S.A REDUCED TO THIRD WORLD STANDARDS OF LIVING.

THE SIMPLE LIFE AHEAD FOR AMERICANS.

The Environmental Protection Agency took the first step towards imposing devastating regulations on American autos and factories by concluding that "greenhouse gasses" endanger the health and well-being of humans, setting the stage for onerous regulation of polluters.

The action is the first step in imposing harsh limits on any pollutant labeled "climate changing", which, by definition, is every substance known to science.

Basing their ruling on the still-unproven and likely untenable theory advanced by Al Gore and his hollow-eyed sycopants numbly repeating junk science conclusions, the EPA decided to go ahead and push the economy-crushing regulations onto the manufacturing industry.

HOW'S YOUR B.S. DETECTOR TODAY?

The catch with all of this weighty regulatory gutting of the American economy is two-fold: developing nations such as China, Nigeria, Bolivia and others, currently considered growing Third world countries, may be exempt from such regulation. And there is a rider in the proposed bilthat allows wealthy corportations to buy carbon credits to continue polluting. Who benefits from merely trading the right to pollute at will for cash? Why, the Federal Government.

Hmmmmm

WTF HEADLINES APRIL 17,2009

2009-04-17T05:35:00.000-07:00

HOMELAND SECURITY SAYS YOU, YES YOU, ARE A TERRORIST

Don't even try to deny it, you radical conservative scumbag

Department of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano issued a report today including a footnote that outlines several new profiles for police and other security personnel to watch for in the war on terrorism.

Included in the footnote are characterizations of citizens who might turn to domestic terrorism in times of national turmoil, such as the economic travails we are currently experiencing today.

Among those on the watch list are: military veterans, conservative speakers, one-issue groups (for their example anti-abortionists, anti-illegal immigration groups), tax protesters, anti-Obama groups and gun owners.

Let me see...I don't see any anti-American foreign nationals on expired visas, left-wing tree-spiking eco-terrorists, G-7 rioters, those a-holes on bicycles who jam up traffic every month in the city, or burnt-out druggies with guns and no boundries.

Where exactly does the threat to this country come from? Must be from those malcontents who work and pay taxes and carry the burden for those latte-sipping a**leakers and their "like to make the world a better place for diversity" types who want you and me to live like serfs, beholding to their fantasy of a rainbow world.

Hey, they can't win on ideas because people realize that all that nonsense they puke is invalid and unfair, so they have to marginalize and demean and then create new laws to silence the majority.

Well, the pendulum swings and change is in the wings. People on both sides of the ticket are waking up and seeing that the American People have been propagandized and manipulated for at least two decades by all of this left-wing pablum and the pricetag has ruined us, and that the leaders we elect, no matter of what party, do not heed to the will of the people. Even lefties are left scratching their head at our president, who okayed the escalation of the war in Afghanistan, maintains the presence in Iraq, okayed the torture of suspects, continues wiretapping and email reading, and have increased the number and types of people under surveillence by Government agencies in just three short months, trumping six years of Bush jackbooting.

Whew! They are good!

Now, I have always said that if you are going to be serious about the war on terror, you must include domestic groups along with foreign, so I don't have a problem with the new rules, but protesting abortion, being pissed off at the actions of the government, not wanting illegal aliens to move with impunity across the borders and the like are not and should not be a criminal act, since it is within our constitutional right to ask redress from out government and although the process the government desires is more through courts and lawyers, it is high time the good citizens got together and made this appeal for redress a little more personal and a little more intimidating.

When you get right down to it, all politicians are opportunists and yellow-dog bullies who have the means to enforce their will while keeping themselves out of harms way. Well, citizens, keep coming, keep pressuring. After all, didn't the British label us terrorists 240 years ago?

2009-04-12T14:04:00.000-07:00

The hostage captain of the Maersk Alabama Captain Richard Phillips was freed from his Somali captors aft

er diving overboard. A short but intense gunfight erupted after the escape in which U.S. Navy SEALS blasted three of the four Somali pirates into oblivion and captured the fourth.

Somali pirates onshore have told media that they have learned their lesson. It didn't sound like they plan to get honest jobs though. More than likely they won't spend a long time negotiating in the future.

Somali villagers fear that the several dozen foreign nationals already being held as hostages will now come to harm in retaliation and that foreign militaries may begin escalating their responses, bombing and shelling their villages.

Hmmmm. Maybe plan B would be to get the hell out of Dodge and take a few hostages with them as a gesture of good will, turn them over to the authorities safely, disavow the pirates and return the goods to their rightful owner.

Once again the U.S. has had to lead the way to show the world that you just can't fuck with the last remaining superpower no matter how much we have been weakened by our own government. We are hardly a third world nation yet.

WTF STORIES APRIL 9, 2009

2009-04-09T17:58:00.000-07:00

KERRY ITCHING TO GIVE PIRATES A SEVERE TONGUE-LASHING

"AMERICAN MUST TALK SOFTLY AND BURY THE BIG STICK" SAYS SENATOR

As the Somali pirates have their way with the American merchant ship Maersk Alabama Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee John Kerry declared it was high time to discuss the parameters of response the United States might use in dealing with the increasingly bold and daring Somali pirates.

Perhaps he should look to examples in history for some of his ideas. When the pirates of Tripoli were making a point of raiding American shipping in the nineteenth century, President Jefferson wasted no time sending the United States Navy and Marines to put down the pirates once and for all.

Of course, Senator Kerry is against any further expenditures for the military, so maybe his solution would be to palaver them into submission.

WTF HEADLINES WEEK OF MAR. 20, 2009

2009-03-26T18:52:00.000-07:00

OBAMA SENDING MORE TROOPS TO AFGHANISTAN
And You Thought You Elected a President of Peace. HA!
President Barack Obama will be sending a total of 21,000 more troops to battle the Taliban and Al Quaida in Afghanistan this year, plus a few thousand advisors and technicians.
The move shakes the segment of his constituancy that voted for him to get the U.S. out of Iraq. In a now familiar pattern, the President is actually winding down the war in Iraq. Its just that those troops will be heading for the even more difficult battle against Afghani militants.
Suckas! You got punk'd.
DURN, NOW THAT THE ECONOMY THINGY IS FIXED, WE KIN GET ON WITH THE IMPORTANT STUFF
U.S. SENATE TO INVESTIGATE COLLEGE RANKINGS.
Senator Orrin Hatch is planning to introduce legislation to change the way the BOWL CHAMPION SERIES determines the top team rankings.
Everyone from the President on down has expressed dismay at the current method of choosing bowl game matchups.
Sen. Hatch was especially upset that Utah State was passed up by the committee last year, even though they were undefeated. The Judiciary Committee plans to introduce legislation to "rectify the situation".
In the House, Rep. Joe Barton (Texas) would introduce a law that would prevent the NCAA from calling any game a national championship that did not use a playoff system.
It seems we've elected a stunning collection of boobs, nincompoops, dumbasses, lying hypocrites and droolers. We, the voters, are our own worst enemies. (Okay, some Democratic behind the scenes manipulation and skullduggery may have contributed.)

HOLLYWOOD CASTING STOOGES
Carey as Curly? Del Toro is Moe. But SEAN PENN as Larry????
Hollywood has gone absolutely bonkers. First, they impugn the integrity of the Warren Report in JFK, then they lampoon the Bush Administration in FARENHEIT 9-11. But this is too much for any red-blooded American man- a THREE STOOGES movie, zany, slapsticky and all, starring Benicio Del Torro as Moe Howard, Jim Carey as Curly Joe Howard and of all choices- Sean Penn as Larry Fine.
Does this have disaster written all over it. WTF! I think this is some sort of pinkie-lib-glbt-Hate America kind of project to undermine the American psyche.

CURE-ALLS FOR WHAT AILS YOU-Headlines for the week of Mar.23, 2009

2009-03-24T03:20:00.000-07:00

PREZ SEZ JES KIDDIN'

FORGET WHAT I SAID, THIS IS WHAT I'M SAYING

President Barack Obama spent the week backpeddling his dire warnings about the imminent collapse of the American economy, which has led to widespread anger and criticism of big business, big banking and almost all politicians by citizens.

The growing feeling across the country that they have been had by the cloistered wealthy/politican/banker/big businessman cabal has set an increasing number of citizen protest groups in motion, aimed at not only financial industry but the Democratic Congress, who rammed the stimulus package through without fully understanding its contents.

Revelations from leading Democrats about amendments and other details contained within the thousand-plus page economic stimulus legislation directly benefitted companies and individuals that supported them in the previous election has sent lawmakers scrambling to find a way to right-side their political stance and has sent the recipients scurrying for cover.

In an effort to dampen the furor, President Obama backed off his support for the House bill taxing AIG bonuses at a punitive 90% rate, saying it was unconstitutional (which House Republicans repeatedly said)

Apparently, now that the ball is rolling, whipping the unwashed masses into a frenzy no longer works for the Obama administration. Oy where are those Obama Zombies when you need them.

REP. FRANK COMMITS HATE CRIME

Mass. Rep. Barney Frank (Dem), during an interview with a Gay Magazine, called Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia a homophobe because of his dissenting views on a 2003 ruling on state laws re: consensual sodomy.

I am waiting for his arrest for hateful comments regarding Justice Scalia's sexual persuasion. I'm sure it is imminent.

Frank stated that elected officials, not the court, should decide matters of controversy, such as gay marriage and abortion.

Except, apparently in California, where no matter what the electoral process decides, gay rights whiners and droolers end up in front of the Supreme Court to block the will of the people.

Welcome to the wonderful world of Democratic/Liberal hypocrisy.

INDIA DICKS DETROIT

BUILDS A BETTER MOUSETRAP

The Indian auto maker TATA has announced the first truly affordable car, the Nano, designed to allow Indians to own their first car.

Costing just $1979, the five seater, 642 cc, no frills model would allow even poverty-stricken Indians to drive rather than walk or take mass transit, allowing more economic growth for the country by making it possible to build industrial sites further from the cities.

Meanwhile, in Detroit, the big three are reaching out to the U.S. Government for help to continue to build $60-100,000 monstrosities that working people cannot afford.

Hey, first automaker that builds a $2000 car in this country owns the industry.

LAUER, LANCE EAT IT ON BIKES

This week NBC host Matt Lauer and racing legend Lance Armstrong both had accidents on their bicycles. Lauer sustained bumps and scrapes, Armstrong a broken collarbone.

I told you those things were dangerous. (Although not as dangerous as snow, as the recent death of Natasha Richardson proves.) Helmets anyone?

By the way, any one else notice they look alike? Weird.

WTF Headlines of the Week

2009-03-14T04:02:00.000-07:00

OBAMA CHANGES TUNE- ECONOMY FINE....REALLY!
After months of warnings from the White House about the seriousness of the "Bush" recession, President Obama spent this week assuring Americans that the future is looking good. No more doom and gloom talk. Whew! That was close. Now that this nasty recession/depression is over, everything is gonna be alright.

CHINESE WORRIED- IS THEIR 'INVESTMENT' SAFE?
The Chinese Government publicly wondered if their massive investment in the American economy is safe. Having purchased nearly a trillion dollars of American debt, they see no improvement in U.S. economy. President Obama publicly assured our 'investors' that there is no safer place to park their money than the United States. (And, if you would, go 'head and buy some more. No really, it's a good 'investment')

DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE INVESTIGATES SHERIFF JOE
The Department of Justice has informed Maricopa Sheriff Joe Arpaio that his department will be investigated for possible violations of certain civil rights of some of his prisoners. Currently he has 6000 illegal aliens serving or waiting for deportation in his jail.
The investigation will focus on whether the Maricopa Sheriffs Department is profiling Mexicans when looking for illegal aliens.
Well, they tried to look for Nigerians crowded around the Home Depot, but there weren't any.

GEE. IT'S NOT LIKE PROTESTING HERE, IS IT.
Oakland resident and former UC tree protester discovered that foreign countries don't always have the same kid-glove treatment of protesters that we do in California. He went to Palestine to protest against the Israeli land policies and was beaned in the head with a tear gas cannister fired from Israeli soldiers.
If he recovers, perhaps his next outing will be protesting Sharia law in Iran.

A GREAT VOICE SILENCED

2009-03-01T07:32:00.000-08:00

Paul Harvey, the iconic radio reporter noted for his unique delivery of news and commentary has passed away.

His Midwestern voice and clear, rapid delivery remained the best on the airwaves from cool, man, cool through mod and groovy and hip and bad until today. He will be missed.

PREZ SEZ WE'RE OUTTA HERE

2009-02-28T06:58:00.001-08:00

President Obama has given a concrete pullout date for our troops in Iraq. Now we'll see if the worst-case prognostications of our conservative thinkers will bear out- that insurgents will move in on that date and take over or at least spread chaos or will the Iraqi government show that they can finally do without us.

But the Left isn't whooping it up in triumph. Those troops that pull out of Iraq will end up in Afghanistan and up to 50,000 troops will remain in Iraq. Pelosi and Reed, along with some of their lib-cronies appeared stunned at the numbers and 'will look at the president's plan', i.e. rat-pack him into changing his plan. Good luck.

DNA TESTING PROVES GOOSE BROUGHT DOWN AIRLINER

2009-02-27T06:02:00.000-08:00

Okay, let me get this straight. We are in the worst fiscal crisis this country has seen since Hitler spoke at Nuremburg, and the NTSB feels the need not only to scrape pureed bird from the engine of the plane that ditched in the Hudson River, but to carefully package those bits of Polly and send them to a lab to be genetically tested to verify that they were, indeed, Canadian geese that brought the plane down.
MmmmmHmmmm.
And?
What was the purpose?
Is it not enough that the eye-witness testimony of two experienced pilots that they flew through a flock of birds enough information?
Perhaps the few feathers around the cowling wasn't descriptive enough.
But DNA testing? Why?
Maybe pin the caper on the Canadians?
The cost in time, money and manpower seems a little, well, extreme.
One more example that the Government just doesn't get it.